Blood, Sweat, and Tears
by Soricel
Summary: Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warnings: Snarry and Sirimus SLASH, rape, and its aftermath. COMPLETE.
1. Discovery

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** This is old. I don't own them. I just have fun with them. You know this. Cool?

**Chapter One: Discovery**

Severus Snape came back from the Death Eaters rather bruised and bloody, but otherwise seemingly unharmed. This was quite unusual, considering he had been working as one of Dumbledore's spies - for the past 25 years or so. True, the war was over, had been for several years now, but a few Death Eaters were still out there, led by Lucius Malfoy, and Snape had been one of the very few spies left, until they'd discovered him.

However, he wasn't unharmed, as everyone had expected. In fact, his situation was completely opposite.

Which was why he could (or could not, depending on whether one wanders the dungeons at night) be seen in his private chambers very early one summer morning - sitting at his writing desk, wide awake with his head perched on his arms, and...

_**Crying.**_

A Snape _never_ cried. But now was an exception, you see. A Snape would surely pay for crying, for showing any emotion whatsoever. And pay he did, for at this very moment, there happened to be another person in the Dungeons, wandering about and also unable to sleep.

That person was 24-year-old Professor Harry Potter, who now taught Muggle Studies at Hogwarts.

Harry had been walking in the dungeons for no more than ten minutes, when he heard a noise coming from one of the rooms. Knowing not many people lived down here, he decided to do a little investigating. Finding the room in which he heard the sound, Harry put his ear against the closed door to hear the sound more clearly, and recognized it as sobbing.

He hesitated, then knocked. The sound stopped, and there was a slight shuffling noise.

Severus heard knocking at the door, lifted his head from his arms to look at the clock. 04:30. Confused, Severus attempted to compose himself. No one knocked on his door- _**ever **_except maybe Albus. But even Albus knew better than to bother him after a Death Eater meeting gone wrong... especially at 4:30 in the morning.

"Enter." He said, with as much calm as he could muster.

Harry Potter entered his chambers.

_  
'Oh, Gods'_ thought Severus, '_I'm going to be the laughingstock of the school if he knows I was . . .'_ His thoughts trailed off as the boy . . . _'man'_ regarded him in a careful, calculating manner.

Harry looked at his former professor, wondering what could possibly be so horrible that it made _Snape_ cry. He approached the still-sitting man carefully, willing him silently to stay there and not shy away.

Snape's heart raced as the boy . . .man_, Severus, you have to remember that!'_ approached him. He needed to look away, to find some scathing remark to send the other man away, but he couldn't. Not this time.

But the only thing Harry did was crouch in front of Severus in an attempt to appear unobtrusive (which Snape was secretly grateful for), look up at him, and ask "What's wrong?" as if he expected an answer.

Snape found himself forming one before he could stop himself.

"I- . . . don't want to tell you."

This response may not have surprised an audience, had there been one, but it surprised Harry a great deal, despite the fact that he had known the man for more than ten years. Or perhaps because of it. The man's voice was very small; very un-Snape-like. It scared Harry to hear Snape speak this way, and he reached out to touch the man's face lightly.

Severus panicked and flinched away from the touch. The hand retreated quickly.

"Sorry," its owner said softly. He thought for a moment, said "Can't sleep either?" Snape shook his head in the negative.

"What's wrong?" Harry repeated. Before the tiny voice could answer again, Harry took the man's right hand in his left, stood again, only to sit in the chair next to his former professor, pull him close, and hold him soothingly, protectively. He had done this slowly, so as not to scare the other man, couldn't help doing it. It seemed so natural, and it was obvious that the older man needed to feel safe at the moment.

Snape tried to pull away from the embrace, mildly frightened, but felt himself leaning into it instead as Harry began whispering to him softly, soothingly, and Severus broke down again.

Harry rocked the crying man in his arms, whispering into his ear that things would be okay, even though he didn't really know whether they would be or not, but it seemed to calm Severus a little, so Harry took that as a good sign, and pulled back slightly, but didn't stop rocking back and forth. "You don't need to keep your emotions bottled up forever, you know," Harry said quietly, not really knowing whether or not the other man heard, but hoping he had. "You won't be as depressed if you tell someone what you're feeling. You don't have to play the horrible, greasy git of a potions master all the time. It won't hurt you to let your guard down once in a while."

"You have no idea..." The tiny voice again.

This stunned Harry, and he got a new idea of what Severus might have meant. He recalled how the man had flinched away from him as Harry had reached for him, tried, though only for a moment, to pull away when he held him, how he had broken down in Harry's arms, all of these things having happened in the past few minutes. Harry put all the signs together, but wouldn't reveal his suspicions until the older man was ready to tell him whether or not they were right- which was another reason to try to get him to talk. You couldn't leave something as wrong and horrifying as rape bottled up inside for long; you'd go mad.

There was a comforting silence for some time, then the sobbing started again, and Harry held Severus closer.

"Ready to talk now?" He asked softly. Severus nodded, but didn't respond verbally. "Take your time," Harry said, placing a soft kiss against Severus' temple. His former professor gave him a strange look, but said nothing of it.

"Lucius Malfoy called the rest of the Death Eaters to a meeting," Severus began . . .

FLASHBACK

Severus Snape was grading papers in his chambers when he felt the Dark Mark on his arm burn black. Accustomed to this interruption, he immediately walked to the edge of the grounds until he was just outside them, and Disapparated.

When he realized every other Death Eater was already there, Snape felt a horrible sense of foreboding.

Lucius Malfoy stood in the center of the circle made by the other Death Eaters.

"One among us," He stated simply, "Is a traitor."

There was an immediate hum of voices all around the circle, each Death Eater wondering which of the others was the traitor in their midst. Lucius Malfoy stepped in front of each Death Eater in turn as if scanning for their loyalty, making his way around the circle, edging closer and closer to Snape. When he finally reached Severus, he paused longer than he had for the others.

"Severus," he said, more kindly than was obviously meant. "Why have you found it necessary... to turn your back on us? To betray us?"

Since Severus knew they wouldn't give a damn what he said, because they knew him guilty, he settled for the truth.

"Lucius ... You cannot betray someone you were never loyal to in the first place," he said coolly, showing that his loyalty was to Dumbledore for all these years, and they were just now discovering his true colors. "You of all people should understand that." He dropped his hood, carelessly took off the white mask that signified his false loyalty, let it drop from his hand and fall to the ground. Then he stepped on it, smashing it, and turned his back to Lucius Malfoy.

Malfoy gave the signal and the Death Eaters pounced. Snape didn't even bother fighting them. He couldn't win, and he had served his purpose, anyway.

But when they wrestled him to the ground, ripping at his clothing, Snape knew something was horribly wrong. This was not normal punishment, and the professor was on the verge of panic.

When the first Death Eater pushed into him hard and without warning, Snape bit his lip to keep from screaming. He could feel blood trickling from the lip but didn't care, for the other pain he was experiencing was much more unbearable. As tears flowed freely down his cheeks, Snape was backhanded hard across the face, and he kept his head to the side, not wanting to know who was inside, tearing him, breaking him.

The Death Eater came, burning the inside of Snape's opening with it. He pulled out, and another entered.

It went on like this for some unfathomable amount of time, one Death Eater after another taking him, ripping him, tearing his pride to shreds, while the others watched and often struck him, but that never distracted him from the more prominent pain. He wanted to black out, to die, anything. Nothing mattered now, except that the pain _**had**_ to stop.

And finally, as the last Death Eater pulled out of him, Severus' vision began to blur. He knew they were still beating him, but he didn't really care. As the merciful darkness consumed him, Severus' last thought was the hope that he would never wake up.

But Snape wasn't that lucky. He woke up in the Hospital Wing the next afternoon, praying it had been a nightmare, but knowing it hadn't been. He suspected Albus knew, either before he woke up, or because of how he openly showed his unwillingness to be touched, or comforted, or talked to. He isolated himself more than usual, and he knew Dumbledore would notice, but he did not care.

Apparently, Harry cared. He silently listened to his former professor's story, taking in every detail and finally fully understanding why Snape was acting the way he was.

When Severus finished his story, the other man was looking at him, something akin to pity in his eyes. But it didn't make Snape fume the way that pity did, it was – an offering of comfort. "Severus?" Snape looked up. "Thank you for telling me. I know it was hard for you to relive it." Honestly. Severus knew the man believed him, knew the other man wouldn't taunt him for what had happened to him. He was grateful for that.

But unprepared when Harry scooped Severus into his arms, carrying him toward a door off the main room of his chambers. He flailed somewhat, like a helpless child, but Harry's voice telling him everything was all right soothed him a bit. He was still terrified, though, not knowing what the other man was going to do.

The room was Severus' bed chambers. Harry laid the older man gently on the bed and sat next to him, lightly brushing Severus' hair back with his fingers. Snape cried for a moment, softly, quietly, scared and needing to get it out and wondering if it had been a mistake to tell Harry.

As he reached the realization Harry wasn't a threat, Severus began to relax, and eventually fell asleep. Harry took off his slippers, and quietly lay down next to the lightly sleeping man, but not touching him. He didn't want to be cause for nightmares which he knew from experience occurred after frightening ordeals.

Placing a small kiss on Severus' forehead, Harry whispered into the man's ear, not actually thinking he heard, but just to be a comforting presence to the sleeping man, "It's over now, Severus... It'll get better, you'll see."

Severus heard him, but didn't say anything, didn't even stir or show any type of sign that he had heard whatsoever. But he almost smiled. Almost.

**A/N: **Please R/R! How was that for a first chapter?


	2. Trust

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** This is old. I don't own them. I just have fun with them. You know this. OK?

**Chaper Two: Trust**

When Harry awoke an hour or so later, it took him a few moments to register why his sleep had been interrupted. Looking next to him, however, he found the source: A still-sleeping, but trembling and muttering, Severus Snape.

Harry wasn't sure what to do. He knew what Severus was dreaming, but he was afraid of the reaction that touching the man would cause. Holding out a tentative hand, Harry attempted to still the tossing man while not impeding his relived struggle.

Severus fought back, letting out a frustrated cry as he struggled against Harry... or rather, the person he believed to be holding him down in his nightmare. He suddenly knocked Harry's hand out of the way, sitting bolt upright and gasping for air. Harry sat up slowly to make sure the other man was really awake, before wrapping his arms around him, gently pulling Severus' head toward himself, so it ultimately lay on Harry's chest. Then, Harry lay back down, pulling his former teacher with him, attempting to soothe the older man. He knew the other man didn't want to be touched, understood it, so he kept his caresses light, willing Severus to relax, to believe that it was only a nightmare and that they weren't coming back to finish him off.

Severus fell back into a fitful sleep, Harry watching him, holding him tightly whenever he began to tense and whimper, and knowing he was dreaming about Them. Harry didn't sleep, but didn't mind. As long as he could make Severus feel safe, he could care less if he never slept again.

Morning came much too soon. Harry didn't like waking the man whose head still lay on his chest after he had been sleeping peacefully for a while, but the person banging on the door was relentless, and Harry couldn't move without waking Severus.

"Severus," he prodded, shaking the other man slightly.

Severus stirred. "Mmm?" he groaned. Harry tried not to laugh. He would never have guessed the older man wasn't a morning person. Remembering what happened last night, Harry steeled himself, apprehensive to show humor for fear of how the man would interpret it.

"Someone's at the door." Harry said, by way of explanation.

"Tell him to go away." Harry's former professor told him coolly.

'Him?' Harry thought.

"I already have, he's rather stubborn, apparently."

Severus groaned, and got up, wrapping a robe around himself before going into the main room to answer the deliberate door knocker. Harry followed him.

The visitor turned out to be Dumbledore, simply concerned about Severus. He congratulated the two men on their attempt at putting their differences aside and becoming friends (It was more like Harry's attempt at help after seeing Severus with his guard down and his steel barrier gone last night, but Severus didn't seem to mind the accusation.)

When the man finally left, Severus turned to Harry.

"Why did you try to help me? I was surprised you didn't laugh when you saw me last night."

Harry almost felt insulted, but he understood why the other man thought he'd be so cruel, so didn't take it too much to heart. "I've been through and seen enough pain and suffering in my life than to laugh at or so much as turn my back on anyone experiencing it. Even if it's someone I never really liked much." he added it as an afterthought, though he never really hated the man. He just never really liked him much, either.

Severus smiled. It was only a small one, but enough of one to be deciphered as a smile. Whatever Harry's reason . . .

"Thank you," said Severus simply, surprising himself, even.

Harry smiled back. "You're welcome." But Severus seemed to hesitate, as if wondering whether or not to say what he was thinking. Then he sat, like last night, placing his head in his hand. Harry sat next to him, placing his hand over Severus'.

"There's something else you want to tell me, isn't there? But you don't know whether you should?" Severus met his eyes for only a second, nodded. Harry reached out once again to touch the other man's cheek, and this time, Severus allowed it without flinching away.

"You can tell me." Harry whispered.

"Before . . . before the Death Eaters had . . . _done that_ to me, I was, I mean, I had never . . ." he couldn't quite finish, so Harry did.

"You were a virgin?" Severus buried his head deeper into his arms, but nodded.

"That's nothing to be ashamed of, some people go their whole lives . . . "

"**They fucking **_**took that**_** from me!**", Severus all but yelled, "**They . . .**" his voice suddenly became soft, and Harry almost had to strain to hear him, "... they broke the only barrier no one else ever had. I've killed, I've maimed, I've betrayed, I-They destroyed the last bit of my soul that I had left."

Harry didn't know what to say, or do. He looked at Severus pensively, but the other man spoke first.

"I shouldn't have let them, I should have fought back . . ."

"No matter how hard you tried, Severus, you would never have been able to fight off twenty or more Death Eaters at once. It was a hopeless fight. You would have just been delaying the horribly inevitable."

"I just wish . . . I just wish, of all things, they hadn't taken _that_ from me."

Harry wrapped his arms comfortingly around Severus, slowly, in case his former professor recoiled again, but Severus allowed it, engulfed so much in his own thoughts he didn't care anymore. When he gathered his senses enough, he realized Harry was stroking his hair back away from his face in a calming way, the way he had last night before Severus fell asleep. His hair was damp from the tears, but Harry didn't really seem to care.

"Do you hate me?" Severus asked suddenly. Harry blinked at the almost random question.

"What do you think, Severus?"

"I don't know what to think, that's why I asked you."

"No, Severus, I don't hate you. I never have. Never will."

"I used to think you hated me, but now... I'm not so sure anymore."

"I used to think you loathed me... but now I don't think you did."

Severus remained silent. Harry was just thinking that the other man may have fallen asleep, but then Severus spoke.

"No, I never loathed you. There are very few people I hate enough to consider _loathing_, but I'll admit I considered you a royal pain in my ass for a few years." Harry didn't know whether to laugh or feel offended. He settled for a bit of both.

"Severus?"

"Hmm?"

"Why are you telling me all this?"

"Truthfully?"

"Truthfully."

"Because I trust you."

Harry smiled. He didn't know what to say to that, so he simply continued to hold his former professor.

**A/N:**There's a button down there that says "REVIEW". Click it and tell me what you think.


	3. Opening Up

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Yeh, yeh, I don't own them.

**Chapter Three: Opening Up**

The two professors had skipped breakfast in favor of more talk, so they went up to the Great Hall for an early lunch. There were only a few other staff members there out of the several that stayed for the Summer Vacations. The ones who stayed over the summer were Minerva, Hagrid, Sibyll, Argus (Dammit), Filius (He retired as Charms Professor, but still lived in the castle), Remus (Who taught Defense Against the Dark Arts), Sirius (Who now taught Charms, for his name had been cleared), Poppy, Severus, Harry, and Albus.

However, the only ones at the table when Severus and Harry entered were Albus, Hagrid, and Filius.

Harry and Severus took seats across from each other. The professors already present seemed to stare at Harry and Severus, then at each other, like they knew something the other two didn't, which they probably did. Severus tried to ignore the others, but it made Harry uneasy, and the same soon became apparent about Severus.

"What!" Severus finally worded, looking directly at Albus, as though knowing the man would have something to say about the outburst.

"Query?" stated Albus simply, as if he had no idea what Severus was talking about.

"He's wondering why you're all ogling us, and to be honest, I'd like to know the same thing."

"We're not _ogling_ you, Harry, just wondering how you and Severus are managing to get along, I suppose." Threw in Filius.

"Just because we never managed to before doesn't mean we can't now." claimed Severus defensively.

"Yeh don' have to ge' defensive, Professor Snape, 't was on'y a question."

"I'm not _defensive_, I just don't see what business it is of the rest of the staff to..." Severus never thought he would be thankful for Sirius Black's and Remus Lupin's presence, but at this moment he was, for it was at this very moment that they decided to walk into the Great Hall for brunch.

"Hello Sirius, Remus!" said Harry happily, smiling at the couple. "It's about time you discovered you weren't supposed to be dead to the world." He joked.

Sirius and Remus smiled at him, while Severus scowled. How did the three manage to get along so well? You had Remus, the most intelligent of the group, though a real joker when he wanted to be, Harry, who was also quite intelligent, but less keen in showing it, and never really got the chance to be a child. He took care of everyone, because he was used to it. And then there was Sirius, the REAL prankster, who stopped at nothing to humiliate Severus. How did they manage to thrive? They were like a dysfunctional family, without the dysfunction. Severus left that piece of information in the back of his mind, for later.

The rest of the day passed without incident. Severus and Harry spent the better part of it in each other's company, grading papers and talking, though their conversations now did not tend to touch on what had been discussed last night or earlier that day.

However, as Harry and Severus sat together and ate the dinner they had ordered privately from the kitchens, Severus had a question on his mind. He hesitated several times as he tried to find the right words.

Harry looked up for the fourth time as Severus made another attempt at posing his question. Looking at the older man curiously, he asked, simply, "What?"

"When did you find out you're gay?" It came out rather quickly and immediately Severus started to correct himself, thinking Harry would take offense to the question. "I'm sorry, I mean-... it wasn't my place to..."

"Hush, Sev. First of all, I found out when I was fourteen. Secondly, how did you know I'm gay?"

Severus blushed. "Takes one to know one, I guess."

Harry smiled. "Ah..." he sat there for a moment, thinking, but Severus was the first to speak.

"D'you think..." Severus suddenly found the table very fascinating, having fixed his gaze there.

"Do I think what, Severus?"

"That... that the nightmares will go away... that I'll be able to live normally again? Even... develop a relationship, possibly?"

Harry covered Severus' trembling hand with his own. "It takes a while, usually, even with small things, of which this most certainly is not." He sighed, hoping to reassure Severus, but not wanting to give him false hope. "They'll go away. It's just going to take a very long time."

Their conversation seemed to have helped because Severus slept a little better that night. In the morning, Harry awoke early. Getting out of bed and dressing quietly, he went to see the Headmaster.


	4. Questions, Answers, and Hopes

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Got it.

**A/N:** I really wasn't going to do this chapter today, but after all the lovely reviews I wasn't even expecting, I couldn't help myself!

**Kai**, yes, you'll find out grins. And thank you for the reviews D

**Debsthesnapefan**, LOL. Not just yet, but we'll see! Doubtful for this particular story, but hopes are never a bad thing! grins

**Thana**, he is ooc, isn't he? But he has good reason to be P and I find I rather like clingy Sevvy, hehe.

**HJ**, yeh . . . I originally started writing the story about 1 ½ - 2 years ago and then I went back and read it before I continued and posted it, and I found it moved rather fast. Believe it or not, I actually added a few things so it wouldn't seem quite so fast. I'll work on that in the next chapter and such, but I found I liked what I already had to the point that it would be really odd to add things, or take things out and place them elsewhere, etc.

**Thanks to you and everyone else who reviewed! Please keep them coming, I love the criticism along with the compliments! **

**Also, please let me know if you notice any random scripting or symbols I didn't delete from the last 3 chapters. I originally wrote it to upload on my website and it still had the entire html scripting in it, some of which I may have missed because I know MS Word missed a lot of it. Thank you. )**

**Chapter 4: Questions, Answers, and Hopes**

'_What the Hell kind of password is "Candy Corn," anyway!?" _Harry thought as he ascended the moving spiral stairs to Dumbledore's office.

He raised his hand to knock, and barely touched the door before he heard a call of "Come in!" from the room.

'_How __**does**__ he do that!?'_Wondered Harry, entering the room nonetheless.

"Ah, Harry!" The old wizard spoke jovially, eyes twinkling. "Lemon drop?"

Harry respectfully declined, and the twinkle in Dumbledore's eye, if possible, increased, as he asked, "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, my boy?"

"Severus." Plain and simple. Harry wasn't going to dodge around the subject and wait for Albus to bring it up, as he usually did. How the man always knew what was going on never failed to amaze Harry.

"Ah, I see . . ." His expression became somewhat morbid, if only for a split second.

Dumbledore's voice had trailed off, and it was only now that Harry realized he didn't know how to voice his question other than being asked what it was. Hurrying to find an answer, he muttered suddenly, "Umm . . . yes, I was wondering –" _'wondering WHAT!? Whether you've had the great amount of sense to pry, whether you know about Severus' personal life like you know about everything else around here!?" _"- If you know what . . ."

"Actually happened to him?" Harry nodded dumbly as the man finished his question for him.

"I can't tell you that, if you're actually asking me what happened." Albus stated, in an almost rebuking manner.

"I wasn't asking you to tell me, headmaster. He's already told me. I asked because I'd like your advice on the matter." He tried to say this without feeling too flustered or rude. And failed horribly.

But the older man answered him regardless.

"Oh?"

Harry nodded. "I want to help him . . . heal. But I don't know how, and I don't want to rush him, for fear that he may only put up his defenses again. I just thought – I thought maybe you could help. You seem to know Severus better than anyone else."

"I see," said Dumbledore, making Harry wish he'd stop saying it. "Out of curiosity, why are you so keen on helping him?"

"I -" Harry hesitated, asked himself the same question. "- don't know. I suppose it's simply that I see him suffering. I would wish that upon no one – well . . . very few people, anyway."

The twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes became even brighter, as though he knew something Harry didn't. It made the young professor feel rather uncomfortable.

"You're right, I think – don't push too hard," Dumbledore advised. "Rather, try to gain his trust little by little. If he starts pulling away, don't push – allow him the choice of telling you what he wishes to tell you. There are a great many things I could tell you about him that would help you. But I won't, purely because they were things said or shown to me in confidence, with the promise that I would tell no one. You may be able to convince him to tell you – but careful how hard you push. After all, I think you already know what you wish to do to help him."

Harry nodded, standing. "Thank you, Headmaster. I appreciate your help."

He stood to leave, and was at the door before Albus called after him, "Oh, and Harry?"

"Sir?"

"Take care of him, will you?"

He smiled. "I will, Headmaster." And with that, he walked out the door and headed to the dungeons.

**A/N** MUHAR!!! You find out if leaving Sevvie alone was a bad idea, but not this chapter!!! Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I'm going to go take a shower and then I'm going to come back and write Chapter 5. 'Til then, that "REVIEW" button still awaits your click.


	5. Understanding

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** They don't belong to me. I just manipulate them.

**A/N:** Working on this chapter while putting ribbons, medals, ranks, buttons, and other such things on an AFJROTC uniform . . . this could take a while.

**Chapter 5: Understanding**

Severus awoke to find Harry gone. Confused, he searched his chambers, finding no sign of the younger man.

Trying to convince himself that he didn't care, Severus showered and dressed, then said to hell with it, undressed, and crawled back into bed, curling up into a fetal position and allowing his thoughts to get away from him.

The rape, the torture – the pain of it, the shame, his tears, his screams, their jeers, their laughing at him, their fun, their sadistic pleasure - his waking up at Hogwarts – Dumbledore's pity, his obvious knowledge of what had happened, the misery, worse than he'd ever felt – why was Severus suffering alone? Why wouldn't the pain _stop_?

He grasped for his wand, found it on the bedside table. Pointed it toward himself.

"Avad –"

Then he remembered Harry. How he'd held him, comforted him, told him it would be alright, talked to him, reminded him that things could not return to normal, but could be healed, that wounds could be closed, that he could live with the possibility of happiness in his life now that the Death Eaters had discovered his true allegiance and he no longer had to be a spy. Why was Harry gone? Why was Severus suffering alone? Harry would be back. Severus was sure Harry cared, and…

In a way, he was free. He was. _FREE._He put the wand back where he'd got it, and then he fell asleep smiling.

Harry entered Sev's chambers to relative silence. As quietly as he could, he snuck to Severus' bedroom, finding the man asleep, though in a different state than he left him.

Severus was in the middle of the bed, arms crossed against his chest and his legs pulled up. His wand lay on the floor next to the bedside table.

He picked up the wand, placing it back on the table, then sat on the bed next to the other man, smiling. He ran his fingers lightly through the other man's hair and hushed his inner voice when it told him Sev was so beautiful when he slept.

The argument he tried to make to himself was silenced when he felt movement under his hand.

Severus turned his head, seeking the source of heat upon it, and found himself looking into green eyes.

"Hi," Sev started, "I thought you'd left. I woke up and you weren't here, and I – I-" he let his head fall back, at a loss for words.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm not going to leave you unless you want me to."

Severus smiled. It was small, but Harry had a feeling he could help Sev get through this after all. He hoped so, anyway. He leaned in and held Severus, his presence comforting to the older man.

"I was going to –" Severus trailed off, not wanting Harry to know he had been so weak.

The younger man looked at him curiously. "Going to what?"

Severus took a deep breath, looked away from Harry's eyes. He trusted Harry. Harry wouldn't pity him. Harry wouldn't be amused. Harry would try to help him. "Kill myself." The small voice was back again.

For a moment, Harry didn't know what to say, then, "May I ask how?" But the answer struck him suddenly. The wand. Severus' wand had been on the floor when he'd entered.

Severus mock-glared at him. "I daresay you know."

"I do, at that . . . Sev -" he trailed off, not wanting to ask his next question.

"Hmm?"

"Wha- What stopped you?"

"Truthfully?"

Harry smiled. "Truthfully."

"I - . . . You."


	6. Harry's Questions

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** I'm not an author, I just play one here.

**A/N:** I realize the last chapter seemed to go by quite fast. But think about it. When you're upset, or something bad happens, doesn't it all seem to happen so fast, . . . you know, "Where did that come from?" Yeah. Excuses, excuses, yes? Thanks again muchly for reviews, I really appreciate them!!!

**Chapter 6: Harry's Questions**

After Sev's panic attack, things seemed to go more smoothly between Harry and him. Like before, they ate meals alone together, they talked, they understood each other relatively well. Harry comforted Severus when he needed it, he told him of his own haunting memories and thoughts, and of his struggles to cope and be who everyone wanted him to be, he cried with Severus, and Severus cried with him.

And as the days and weeks moved on, even as classes started up again after the summer vacation, their friendship grew stronger and stronger.

During a free period, after his fourth year Hufflepuff class, Harry sat in his classroom, wondering to himself.

He wondered if anything more was to happen, if Severus would open up more about his past. He never spoke of his past, only of recent events about which Harry knew somewhat. He wondered if one of Severus' original questions was directed at him, the one about normalcy. Since Harry realized the protectiveness he felt for Sev - since he began to understand the man little by little, and since the man had openly trusted him enough to let him help – he wondered if their friendship would become something more, if _they_ could develop a relationship together. And also whether Sirius and Remus would approve of said relationship.

He also wondered if he was just being stupid, if he was reading the signs wrong. They were just good friends. Weren't they?

He really didn't know.

And that's when everything picked itself up and seemed to go right. Because the more Harry thought about it, the more Harry realized that, no matter how much Sirius disliked Snape, if Snape made Harry happy, Sirius would have no right disputing it.

And if he did, well . . . '_I dunno.'_

Harry wanted to be happy. He wanted Severus to be happy. But he also wanted Sirius to be happy - he was torn between being selfish and not caring, and not even mentioning his feelings for Severus. To anyone.

But the more he thought about that option, the more that was something he couldn't do. As much as he tried to dispute it within his own mind, he was . . . what _was_ he doing?

'_You're falling in love with him.'_

He found that, the less Severus needed him, the more he needed Severus. Sev was beginning his healing process, beginning to understand that the rape was no fault of his own, and beginning to see that life could even be better than normal now that he was free from the clutches of darkness. And as he continued to do so, Harry continued to see him through every step, and he found that the more Sev tried, the more Harry adored his courage, his strength, and the fact that he_ could _be himself around Harry. When he had his weak moments, he no longer hid them. He spoke to Harry as if they'd been friends for years, and Harry listened just the same. As such, when Harry told Severus of his past, of his feelings about the parents that he never knew, and how he'd been treated at the Dursleys', and some of the things he'd done when he was at Hogwarts, and it was those times that it was Severus's turn to listen, he did.

They'd say what they had to say and then one of them, depending upon in whose rooms they met, would go back to his rooms. Or sometimes, they fell asleep in each others' arms, each comforted by the other man's presence. Harry loved those nights.

But should he tell Severus that?


	7. Severus's Questions

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** I'm not an author, I just play one here.

**A/N:** A flip - side of the previous chapter! Enjoy!

**Chapter 7: Severus's Questions**

After Sev's panic attack, things seemed to go smoothly between Harry and him. Like before, they ate meals alone together, they talked, they understood each other relatively well. Harry comforted Severus when he needed it, he told him of his own haunting memories and thoughts, and of his struggles to cope and be who everyone wanted him to be, he cried with Severus, and Severus cried with him.

And as the days and weeks moved on, even as classes started up again after the summer vacation, their friendship grew stronger and stronger.

During a free period, after classes had ended and dinner had yet to be served, Severus sat alone in his rooms thinking.

He thought about Harry, seeing him that night and wanting to help, about Harry helping him during every step of the process he was now going through, trying to put memories behind him and leave himself open to what the future had in store for him. _'And Harry.' _No. He also fought with one of the first questions he'd asked the other professor. When Harry was so kind to him, so understanding, and so helpful, Severus couldn't help but think about how it would be if they became more than friends. When he'd initially asked Harry this, he was not being specific. But the thought of something more than friendship with the only man who'd ever bothered to try to get inside his head for reasons other than using Severus to his advantage, intrigued Severus.

But would Harry ever want that with him?

Severus had thought many times of telling Harry about his past. He found himself making excuses not to.

'_He'd never want to help me if he knew about me, about what I was, what I am. He'd never . . . he'd never love me back. He wouldn't. Not if I told him about myself. About how I became what I am.'_

But he'd accepted him so far. He'd accepted every secret, every worry, every fear, everything. And helped him as he did so.

Would someone like that turn and run away if he knew that Severus was a monster?

'_Yes. He would. Or he should, at the very least. He's too good for me. Too good for what I was and what I've become. He shouldn't love me, even if he ever could.'_

But Severus was falling in love with him.

And the dispute over telling him was continuing to eat at him. He knew that, at the very least, Harry would probably not push him away. He'd think Severus was being silly, that he was wrong for thinking Harry could love him back. But someone so kind and understanding – he just may still accept Severus as a friend, albeit nothing more.

Was it worth the risk?

He would embarrass himself horribly if he told Harry. But he'd never know the answer unless he did. He'd never know whether to stop worrying about it.

The other man was so beautiful, so kind. So understanding (How many times had he thought that today?). He found that the more he healed, and the less he needed Harry, the more he truly needed him. Or was it wanted? He didn't know. All he knew was that he could trust Harry, and that maybe, just maybe, he was at the right place to start developing normalcy. And as he continued to heal, Harry continued to see him through every step, and he found that the more Harry helped him, the more Severus fell for Harry, and he found that he_ could _be himself around the other man. When he had his weak moments, he didn't have to hide. He spoke to Harry as if they'd been friends for years, and Harry listened just the same. As such, when Harry told Severus of his past, it was Severus's turn to listen, and he did.

They'd say what they had to say and then one of them, depending upon in whose rooms they met, would go back to his rooms. Or sometimes, they fell asleep in each others' arms, each comforted by the other man's presence. When Harry made him feel safe, and welcome in his arms. Made him not quite so alone. Severus loved those nights.

But should he tell Harry that?


	8. Seriously, Sirius!

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Wish they were, but they're not.

**A/N:** evil grin Short but very important chapter . . .

**Chapter 8: Seriously, Sirius**

"**YOU **_**WHAT**_**!?!"**

"Sirius, calm _down_." Remus warned, trying to do damage control and so far failing horribly.

Harry winced. He'd expected an adverse reaction, but not this bad. Sirius was outright . . . ferocious, to say the very least.

"**I **_**WILL NOT**_** calm down! He – you -" **He rounded on Harry. **"- You **_**can't**_** be serious! It's just- it's not -" **Sirius, for once, seemed to be at a loss of words to explain how his godson could possibly be in love with his worst enemy.

"**It's not **_**RIGHT**_"

"_Sirius,"_ started Remus when it seemed Harry had no way of explaining. "What's the huge deal – don't look at me like that, I'm not daft – But you want Harry to be happy, do you not?"

"**What does that have to do with anything!?"**

Remus gave him a warning look, and when Sirius simply nodded, he continued, "Then why should it matter what- _who_ makes him happy – whether it's a nice girl, or a good-looking bloke – or whether it's Severus – if Harry's happy?"

Sirius seemed to have calmed down a bit contemplating this, sighed. Looked at Harry. "I – I _do_ want you to be happy. Don't get me wrong, Harry, I **really** do. But – _**Snape**_? Just . . . I- _why?_"

Harry shrugged nervously, and spoke what has been on his mind for what seemed like ages now. "I've been spending a lot of time with him the past few months," Apparently, he'd gotten away with neglecting to tell them why, for now - they did not ask. "And I've come to understand why he is the way he is. It's something I've come to respect. And I've been able to see through it to who Severus really is. He's not that bad of a person, Siri – sure, he has his moments. He has many of them. But it's all a shield, it – I guess you could say it protects him from the rest of the world. But I've seen the real Severus, and he's someone who makes me very happy. Severus is truly a very complicated person – but one I've come to understand, respect, trust, and _love._" That was it. He'd said it. And he had meant it. He loved Severus. He did.

Sirius seemed to be trying to form another argument, but before long he sighed and gave in. "If he makes you happy, Harry, then I could never interfere with that." He paused, added as an afterthought, "Doesn't mean I have to like it though- and it _especially_ doesn't mean I have to like _Snape._"

Harry smiled, as that was probably as close as he'd ever get to his godfather's blessing. "I never said you were obligated to." And, teary-eyed, he flung his arms around his godfathers' necks and bounded off to see Severus.

When he got to Severus' chambers, however, he found it hard to knock. How was he going to tell Severus, and what if Severus didn't feel the same? And how would Sirius and Remus react if he went back and told them what had happened. Namely, what would Sirius do now that he'd accepted the fact that Severus made Harry happy? He felt more nervous than he'd ever been, though all he wanted to do was tell Severus how he felt.

He'd thought of rejection before, but once Sirius' acceptance raised his spirits, he'd almost forgotten that he still needed to tell Severus.

A slight sense of fear coupled with extreme nervousness in the back of his mind, he raised a hand, and knocked.

**A/N:** What d'ya think!?! What'll happen next? Wait and see. Especially considering I'm about to go write the next chapter.


	9. Confessions

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** Now we're getting somewhere! grins

**Chapter 9: Confessions**

Severus did not answer his door when Harry knocked, which made Harry impossibly more nervous.

He ran the entire way to his rooms on the third floor of the castle, only to find Severus at his door as though awaiting his return.

When Harry approached, he seemed rather shaken, as though he had something tremendously important on his mind. His eyes showed he had recently been crying, and Severus was immediately concerned.

"Severus – I - was looking - for you." He magically unlocked his rooms and allowed the older man to follow him inside.

When he closed the door behind him, Severus allowed his full concern to take over.

"Harry?" Severus approached the slightly shaking man slowly, placed a hand on his back, '_At least he didn't flinch . . .'_ and helped him over to the couch beside the fireplace to sit down. He placed his hand gently under the other man's chin, tilted it upward so he could look into his eyes. "What's wrong?" He asked, mimicking one of Harry's questions the first night they'd begun to understand each other.

"Wrong, there's – there's nothing _wrong_, per se. I-" He took a deep breath. "I have something extremely important I've been meaning to tell you."

"And what might that be?" The older man asked lightly, genuine curiosity in his voice.

"I-" Harry seemed on the verge of tears, so this was either really good news or really bad news. But Harry had said nothing was truly wrong. So Severus could hope for the former. "I – I'm falling i-" He paused, took another breath, and let it out all at once.

"I'm falling in love with you." But Harry looked up in surprise when he said it. Because another voice had chorused it with his own.

"Are you serious? I – because that would be a really horrible joke if you were, Severus, tell me you're no-"

"Shhh." And since that didn't quite cut Harry off, Severus leaned in, tilted Harry's chin up again, very gently, and kissed him.

It was a very tender, very slow, somewhat tentative kiss, one between two people who may not have quite been sure what they felt for each other, but one thing was certain: it was not simply friendship.

Despite it's slight awkwardness, Harry felt himself drowning in the kiss, wishing it would never end, because if it did, that would mean that Severus would say it was all a joke, and that Harry was crazy for falling in love when all Severus wanted was friendship, and that he would leave and Harry would never see him again, never get the chance to prove it. If the kiss was endless, then Severus would love him forever, and Harry would never know that Sev didn't love him back.

It was foolish, but it was the only thing he wanted right now.

When they parted after some time, Harry very reluctant, Severus whispered in the other man's ear, "I am serious. I love you. I have for some time now. I didn't think you'd ever feel the same."

"You had no idea -" Harry whispered, holding onto the other man for dear life as though this would all disappear and he would wake up to find it had all been a dream if he were to let go.

For the first time since the night Harry found Severus in his rooms crying, Harry was able to hold Severus in his arms and not worry about the other man feeling threatened, or concerned for Harry's sanity.

And Severus seemed to have no problem with his clinginess. He wrapped his arms around Harry's body, and leaned back so that he was almost laying down, holding Harry securely against his body.

"I love you," Severus reasserted in a whisper.

"I love you, too. I could get used to hearing that."

"I could get used to saying it."

Harry smiled. "So could I."

**A/N:** Sweet? Sappy? Too sweet and sappy? Let me know by clicking that little button down there that says REVIEW!


	10. Comfort

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** Ok, revamped Chapters 8 and 9, made them a little longer, content is a bit better. New chapter time!!! Sorry I haven't updated in so long, but sickness in school messed me up badly and then I fought to catch up with summer reading. Will it never end? Thank the Gods for Senior Year. THANKS FOR ALL THE LOVELY COMMENTS!

**Chapter 10: Comfort**

When Harry awoke in Sev's arms, it took him a moment to realize why he was there in the first place, before he remembered his confession to Sev, and Sev's confession and promise of sincerity.

For a few moments, he simply lay there, smiling, his eyes closed, his head still on Severus's chest so he could listen to the steady heartbeat, their hands intertwined over Harry's heart.

And then he looked up to stare into a pair of beautiful black orbs. He started at first, but Sev's arms became slightly tighter around Harry's body when he did so, and they both smiled.

"Morning, love," Harry slurred.

"Morning indeed; it's 3 am."

"Is it, now?"

To which Severus replied by sitting up, forcing Harry to do the same.

"Which means we _should_ go back to sleep, seeing as how staying awake until breakfast would ruin our respective sleeping pat-"

But Sev didn't get to finish his train of thought, as Harry abruptly interrupted by kissing the other man gently.

"Hmm," articulated Severus when Harry pulled away, having completely forgotten what he had been about to say.

Harry grinned and grabbed the man's hand, tugging him toward the bedroom. "Fine, but couches get uncomfortable after a while."

"Yes," stated Severus sincerely, stretching, "they do."

"Time to go to bed then," Harry all but whispered.

Severus started at something in Harry's voice, but Harry already seemed to know the effect; he had been trying to hide his desire from his voice so as not to threaten Sev and failed. His eyes softened greatly as they met Severus', and his hand came up to cup the other man's face in the palm of it.

"I love you." He reasserted.

Severus seemed unsure for a moment, before smiling and allowing himself to be pulled toward the bedroom.

Harry took control, careful not to scare Severus after what he'd just done. He gently and playfully seized Sev and pulled him down onto the bed so that Severus lay on top of Harry.

Sev looked deep into the other man's eyes, kissed him. It was gentle, but with more passion than their previous kisses. It was one which took Harry by surprise, and as he knew Severus would not be comfortable with going very far, he allowed the other man to lead and do as he wished.

Harry opened his mouth in a silent moan and Severus seized the opportunity to taste the other man's mouth, tentatively exploring every inch before pulling back and glancing into the younger man's eyes before moving off of him and looking away.

"Severus?" Harry whispered, but the other man only turned completely, extending the gap between them.

"Severus, please look at me, love; what happened? Talk to me, Sev." He was pleading, trying to keep his voice at a comfort tone. He lightly placed a hand on the man's shoulder, causing him to start before turning back around to face Harry.

His face was blank. Harry felt his heart drop.

"Severus," Harry stroked the older man's face, which steeled even further. Harry's, on the other hand, softened.

"Sev, let me in."

And as if his barriers had been reconstructed of building blocks, they fell again. Severus's face crumpled, and he buried his head in Harry's shoulder.

"Severus, what's wrong?"

"I- I shouldn't have-" he sounded . . . guilty?

"Shouldn't have what, love?"

The man looked up. Was he blushing? Harry thought it would have been cute were Sev not so incredibly upset.

"I was- I got-" He looked down.

"Got excited, love?"

Severus's face went red- a color Harry had always assumed Severus incapable of achieving- and Harry wrapped his arms around the other man ('s shoulders…), whispering in his ear.

"Never feel guilty about that, love. It's a physical reaction to what was happening at the time. You've no control over it."

"But that's not exactly why I was embarrassed, I – I was embarrassed because it also happened when-" His voice broke off, but he didn't have to continue for Harry to understand.

Sighing, the younger man swept strands of hair from Sev's face.

"I know, love. I know."

Harry held Severus, but neither slept, due to contemplation and, on Severus's part, a bit of worry. They simply lay there the whole night in silence. No words needed to be said. They both understood.

**A/N:** COMMENT!!! Do it, you know you want to!


	11. Progress?

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** To the anonymous coward of a reviewer who couldn't leave his/her email when s/he flamed me for Chapter 10: for your information, I was sexually harassed for two years by someone who nearly raped me on more than one occasion and I'm currently in a relationship and have been for the past year and a half, dealing with that shit. So before you presume that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, do me and the people that are enjoying this story a favor: DON'T FUCKING ASSUME THINGS. Everyone reacts to situations differently, and these "issues" come and go as they please. Now I'm going to get off my soapbox and ask you to kindly not suppose I don't know what I'm talking about. If you don't like the story, don't read it. But don't think that I'm not telling in the best way I can. Thank you.

**Chapter 11: Progress?**

Days passed without incident now that Severus knew his current comfort zone. Harry and Severus spent days in classes, or talking and avoiding other staff members. Nights were spent holding each other, stealing a kiss every now and then before they drifted off to sleep. Sometimes Severus needed space. It was those nights when Harry did not sleep.

It was one of those nights, after Severus had had yet another nightmare, and Harry sat in front of the fire in Severus's chambers.

Severus's nightmares were becoming fewer and farther between, and he didn't usually mind Harry's being there afterwards.

Tonight was not one of those nights.

Harry lay on Severus's couch, staring into the fire. It wasn't the first time Sev had pushed Harry away, but Harry couldn't make himself just forget it. He knew that by now Sev would be sleeping again and normally he would have gone back in to watch the man as he slept more peacefully, but he knew – how he knew was a question to which he didn't know the answer - that right now his presence would not be welcome. Severus wanted to be alone.

Harry had been there. Harry had tried to comfort Severus, but it didn't work. When Harry reached out to him, Severus flinched. Remembered how Harry had helped him, and asked him to leave.

"But Sev, I just want to –"

"I know," Severus's voice was frustrated, pleading, slightly angry but not at Harry. "Just – I – please, just go; I want to be alone for a little while."

As much as Harry wanted to help him, pushing Severus would only make him angrier. He caressed the man's shoulder lightly, briefly. "All right, Severus. I'll be in the sitting room if you change your mind?"

He nodded once, not looking at the other man. Harry left.

Severus put up silencing charms. And he cried.

He'd thought things were getting better, thought that things would be okay. Now the dreams were of them, and of him. In the dream, Harry betrayed him. In the dream, Harry would hurt him, would break him and wound him. And it was all contradictory. Severus still trusted Harry. He knew deep down that Harry could be trusted, that he would never hurt Severus nor allow anyone else to hurt him if he could help it. But then why was he having nightmares about Harry doing these unspeakable things to him? Harry loved him. Harry was the person who was keeping him sane through all this. He trusted Harry. Harry wouldn't hurt him. Harry loved him.

Harry loved him.

It felt like many hours had passed, but it was probably only one. Severus stood, pulled a light blanket round his body, and walked into the sitting room.

Harry didn't hear the door creak, or the other man's approach.

"I'm sorry."

Harry started, sat up. When he looked behind him, Severus stood there, naked with the exception of a blanket, his eyes red from tears.

"Come here?" Harry inquired gently, holding out a hand.

"Come back to bed." And with that, Severus turned and walked back through the doorway, leaving it open as an invitation for Harry to follow.

He took the invitation, sitting at the foot of the bed until Severus looked at him, eyes inquisitive. 'What are you waiting for?' They asked, 'did my apology not seem sincere?'

Harry crawled toward Severus, taking the other man's hand in his, bringing it to his lips, and kissing its palm.

"I love you, Severus." He whispered, drifting off already.

"I know." And it was Severus's turn for a sleepless night.

**A/N:** The next chapter shall be up soon. :)


	12. Yes, Progress

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** Thanks very much to all of you who continue to read this, and a special thanks to mywayornoway and Ballad. You made my day with your comments after I got pissed off this morning, so thank you for making me smile again.

**Chapter 12: Yes, Progress.**

Severus must have drifted off at some point, because he awoke to the sound of running water.

"Mmm," He sighed, remembering last night.

He'd pushed Harry away. But then Harry accepted him as soon as he'd asked him to come back. Severus didn't deserve Harry, but if Harry was willing to love and help him no matter what, Sev was going to do his best to make that worth it.

Harry had told Severus that the nightmares would pass in time. Perhaps the ones of Harry were simply because Severus was afraid of allowing his heart to be so open to someone. His heart wanted the relationship, and the security and happiness it offered, while his mind cautioned against it, telling him he'd get hurt.

Wasn't he already hurt? What more did he have to lose; and wasn't Harry worth it? After all, he'd fallen for the other man, just as Harry had fallen for him. He had not been coerced; he was able to make his own decisions when it came to the matter.

Yes, he thought, the nightmares will pass in due time. That, on the other hand, would take some bit of coaxing. Which Harry was happy to help with and Severus, usually, was happy to receive. Harry made him feel safe after the nightmares. The only question was whether he could make Severus feel safe after he'd been the subject of them.

Severus decided that there was only one way to find out. Yes, he would give the other man a chance. Yes, he would let him help. He would try not to push him away, but when he needed to be alone, Harry would understand.

Harry loved him.

And he loved Harry. He trusted the man, and he wouldn't let his subconscious get the better of him when he knew in his heart that Harry would never cause him harm. He drifted off again. Thank the Gods for Saturdays.

Drying his hair before pulling on a pair of boxers and then pajama bottoms, Harry walked out of the restroom and back into Sev's bedchambers.

The man's eyes were closed and he lay on his side, his body curled inward slightly. He was drifting off, but not quite asleep yet, as his breath was not coming as evenly as would that of a sleeping person.

Harry lay down on the bed next to Severus's still form, careful not to disturb the man. He brushed a few strands of hair away from the man's face with his fingers with his free hand, the other holding his head up so he was looking down into Severus's peaceful face.

The man's eyelids were twitching. 'Good dream, I hope,' thought Harry.

The older man turned onto his back, his arms and legs moving against something invisible. Severus groaned and his expression became strained as though painful. Harry took his hand, leaned over so he could whisper in his ear.

"Shh, Severus? It's okay, love. I'm here, it's okay, they can't hurt you."

Severus muttered a reply. "Yuh- Sp. Harry- stp please. Lv- st-"

The realization hit Harry like a ton of bricks. "Severus, love?" When the man squirmed, Harry combed his fingers through the long hair, holding his head in place so Sev would hear him despite the older man's attempt to retreat. "Love, I'd never hurt you. You know I'd never do anything to hurt you. I love you, Sev."

Severus calmed very slightly, but noticeably. Harry continued speaking to him in his soothing tone, careful not to change it, not to make sudden movements. 'Do whatever it takes not to scare him,' Harry told himself, 'He deserves security, not fear. He shouldn't have to be afraid.'

Severus's breath steadied after a while, though it was still somewhat uneven.

"Severus?"

"Mmm?" Severus opened his eyes and looked into the younger man's, and to Harry's shock, smiled.

"Sev? Are you okay?" Harry was unsure.

"Mmm-hmm. I love you. I trust you."

Harry smiled as he watched the other man quickly drift once more into oblivion.

And Severus did not dream.

**A/N:** The next chapter shall be up soon. :)


	13. Finding Security

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** No profit for me.

**A/N:** I wrote half of this in Calculus today 'cause I had nothing better to do. Color guard performances are fun. Getting sick is not. I can't speak and I have to go to an Offsite Training this weekend and yell at Freshmen.

**StarGazer-** Thanks for the constructive criticism. I started writing this pre-HBP and said it was AU for Sirius' being alive, though I do think he is anyway. As for Dumbledore, shrugs I can wish, can't I? And can ghosts knock on doors? (Chapter 2) LOL. Thanks for the suggestion about anonymous reviews, but there are also people without FFnet accounts who leave constructive anonymous reviews and I don't want to shut them out because of one idiot.

Just for reference, much of this takes place in Severus' dream during the last chapter.

**Chapter 13: Finding Security**

He could hear noises around him, men speaking and laughing. At him.

His vision slowly became clear and there was a black-and-white figure above him. He struggled and he looked away as arms went around his body, holding him down. Pain. There was pain, and he wanted it to stop. He struggled against the hands.

The sound filling his head died away and he opened his eyes slowly. This time, he was looking straight into a pair of intense green orbs. Harry's face. There was pain, but it was not nearly as profound as he knew it should be.

"Shh, Severus? It's okay, love. I'm here; it's okay; they can't hurt you." Harry's voice was far away and Severus had to strain to hear it, but he understood.

A tear streamed down his face. "You? Stop, Harry; please love, stop," he pleaded.

"Severus, love?"

Sev flinched and the arms around him became very gentle, holding him rather than holding him down. Fingers combed through his hair and Harry's expression was gentle. He knew that touch. Harry bowed his head to whisper comfort into the older man's ear.

"Love, I'd never hurt you. You know I'd never do anything to hurt you. I love you, Sev."

He realized it was true. He knew this, didn't he? He knew Harry loved him, that in truth he would never hurt him. He calmed.

He realized that this was not really happening. He was dreaming. And he was not being raped. Harry was gentle. Harry was making love to him. He relaxed and allowed it.

The other man kept whispering to him. He couldn't make out the words but the tone was soothing and made him feel secure in the younger man's arms.

He caught his own name in a questioning tone.

He opened his eyes and looked deep into the real Harry's. "Hmm?" He smiled. He was safe. Harry would not hurt him. Harry wanted to show him nothing but love.

The young man seemed surprised at Sev's peaceful response.

"Sev? Are you okay?"

"Mmm-hmm. I love you. I trust you." He caught the other man's smile just as he closed his eyes and fell once more into a tranquil slumber.

He awoke a few hours later to the sound of a beating heart. It took him a moment to register that it was not his own. He glanced upward to see Harry's sleeping face. His mind labeled the peaceful expression 'beautiful,' and Severus smiled. Yes, Harry was beautiful, inside and out.

"Like what you see, love?" A drowsy voice teased.

"Mmm, maybe." Sev leaned forward and kissed his love, deepening the kiss slightly before pulling back and just looking at Harry. "I want to - " He stopped himself before he could finish the statement.

Harry laced a hand through the hair at the back of Sev's neck, gradually pulling him down into a gentle but fiery kiss. Severus tensed ever so slightly at first, and Harry slowed his movements, allowing Sev to relax before continuing.

Harry released the other man very slowly, and Sev pulled back, looking into Harry's eyes with wonder.

"You want what, Love?"

"I - " Sev looked away from the younger man's eyes. "I don't know."

Harry grasped Severus's jaw lightly, turning the man's head enough to make him look into his eyes. "Talk to me, Sev."

"I. It's so contradictory," he stated at last, seeming frustrated.

"What is?" Harry kept his voice soft, somewhat soothing the other man's discomfort.

"My . . . my body is telling me one thing, and my mind is saying another. My body, I – well, you know." Sev looked at Harry for some sort of escape. Harry nodded. "And my mind is telling me that I trust you, but I'm not ready for something like that yet."

Harry thought for a moment, then smiled and slowly rolled them both over so that Harry was on top of Severus. Sev allowed it, though he started when the realization hit him that he was still very much naked.

"Shh," Harry kissed the other man lightly, slowly pulling down the covers so that if Sev had a complaint, he had plenty of time to voice it. He stopped at the middle of Severus' hips. "Is this okay?"

When Sev nodded, Harry continued slowly, very slowly, fully exposing the man before shifting back and looking him over.

Severus shifted under the weight of Harry's eyes until Harry looked up at him and smiled. Harry leaned forward, kissed his lover. Then, tilting the other man's head back, he licked softly down his throat, stopping to kiss it where it met Sev's collarbone. "And is that okay?"

"Yes." Sev almost sounded breathless.

Harry took that as a signal to continue, tracing along one side of the man's collarbone, then the other, before tracing the pulsing vein on the side of his neck and gently nipping the lobe of his ear. "That?" He whispered into the man's ear, sending chills down Severus's spine. He nodded.

Harry continued like that, moving down Severus's body to tease his chest, his nipples; he tensed when Harry reached his stomach, but Harry's comforting words once again helped calm his apprehension. Harry moved continuously lower, but Sev stopped him when his actions became too intimate for calm. Harry continued simply stroking his hands across Severus's body, and Sev, engrossed in the actions, lightly returned some of the caresses on the younger man's body. They did nothing more intimate, but the trust was there. Severus was learning to accept.

**A/N:** Review. Do it. Do it now.


	14. A Good Day

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** No profit for me.

**A/N:** My Art class is over and I got an A!!! XD

Sorry about how long it's taken me to update! School is stressful and busy, and my college app deadlines are fast approaching! I still love you all; thank you for being so patient.

**Chapter 14: A Good Day**

It was a fairly lazy day for Harry and Sev. They'd fallen asleep and slept through Saturday, exceptionally comfortable in each other's arms.

Harry stirred, keeping his eyes closed as he listened to Severus' heart beating. The steady thrumming was soothing, nearly lulling Harry back to sleep until he felt a hand in his hair, stroking gently. Harry smiled and looked into two black pools, their depths drawing him in and he leaned up to kiss his love.

Severus smirked sleepily, his eyes never leaving those of his love. I'm content here, it struck him, I belong here, in Harry's arms. He must have been grinning like an idiot, but as rational thought was quite beyond him at the moment, this didn't particularly matter.

Harry squeezed the older man before releasing him and placing a kiss on his temple. "I'll be back love," the younger wizard stated, standing and heading for the bath.

Harry was in the shower for no more than five minutes when two tentative arms silently snaked themselves around his bare chest. He jumped, giving a sharp yelp, and a kiss landed like a butterfly on the top of his head. "Severus?" he asked, startled. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy it, but he wasn't sure if the other man truly did, and thus wasn't sure where the boundaries were being placed of yet. He was more afraid of scaring the older man than anything else.

The only reply was a content, "Mmm?"

"What're you doing?"

"I'm holding you." He stiffened, pulled away. "Unless – unless that's not okay."

It occurred to Harry that Severus thought he was being rejected. The man made to step hurriedly out of the shower, but Harry caught his wrist.

"Shh, no love, it's fine. I just wasn't sure what you were -" he hesitated.

"Expecting?" Severus shifted away, seeming much more aware of his nudity than he had been only a few seconds ago. Harry decided it was good that he was still less concerned about it than he had been yesterday, looking over the man's beautiful, if very scarred, body. He also realized that this was the first time Severus was seeing Harry's naked body, as Harry had been afraid of showing him.

He smiled. "It's just – I know you trust me, and I don't want to break that trust by doing something for which you're not quite ready."

"You could never hurt me," Severus assured, kissing his lover, "because if I told you to stop, you would. I know this, and so you do not frighten me. I love you, and I know you love me. I know you would never intentionally do something to cause me pain." He kissed Harry soundly, and Harry's fears of scaring his older lover diminished at this declaration of adamant trust. He deepened the kiss, their tongues dueling for dominance until Harry's back was being pressed against the wall. Severus' dominance was thoroughly exciting him, and he remembered what Severus said, and what he himself had once told the other man. He hoped that that trust extended to his uncontrollable physical reaction to his lover.

Perhaps it had made Severus uncomfortable, but he merely smiled coyly and shifted so he was not touching his love's arousal. Thankful that the tub was large, he pulled his love down to lie on its bottom, Severus atop him. This time, it was Severus' turn to explore Harry, kissing him soundly before venturing to his cheeks, his chin, his neck (at which point Harry arched and groaned), his ears (Harry gave a similar sharp yelp to his earlier surprised one, and Severus made a silent vow to hear the sound more often), his collarbone, his chest, then moving to suckle on one nipple while teasing the other between his fingers (Harry arched further into him, moaning and mewling incessantly, making little keening noises that turned the older man on), his stomach, where he curiously dipped a smooth tongue into the belly button and flicked a few times, once again causing that delicious mewling. He moved to Harry's hips and seemed not quite sure what to do, so Harry smiled gently, pulling the man up to kiss him.

"You don't have to do that if you don't want, beautiful one."

Severus sighed, burrowing his face into Harry's neck. Lucius' only reason for only making Severus do that once was a hissed, "I want to hear you scream." Now that Severus was exploring of his own free will, he wasn't sure if he had a problem with it. However, very inexperienced and perhaps not quite ready, Sev slowed his breathing and allowed the younger wizard to massage his back, soothing him.

Severus looked deep into Harry's eyes. "I want to – I'm just not sure if I'm ready yet."

After a few moments, Harry urged the other man up, turning off the still-running water, which was now warm instead of hot. He grabbed a towel and handed Severus another, drying himself a bit before exiting the bath, gesturing for Sev to follow.

They lay down on the bed, at first just staring at each other. Then, slowly, Harry leaned over onto Severus, kissing him gently. He wasted little time, helping the man relax with gentle caresses as well as licks and nips here and there as he worked his way down the other man's body.

When he reached Severus' hips, he looked into the man's eyes, his expression willing the older man to accept, to relax, to understand that he was doing this because he wanted to please Severus. He slowly began suckling on the man's hipbone before moving slightly lower, and Sev's breath hitched in his throat.

Harry continued slowly, holding the other man's clenched hands and looking deep into his eyes, until Severus cried out his release.

Harry moved up the bed to settle next to Sev, the man's eyes still closed, his breathing heavy. Harry smiled, kissed him. "You're absolutely beautiful, you know."

**A/N:** points to the "Review" button


	15. Aftermath

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** No profit for me, with the exception of the lovely reviews. They are payment enough grins

**A/N: **Thanks again to everyone who reviewed! This chapter is yet again a little glimpse into my own life, as it is based on one of own experiences. I normally would not share such things, but this goes out to all my dedicated readers, who I have to thank for getting this far into the story without declaring it rubbish and deleting it in its entirety. Thank you.

**Chapter 15: Aftermath **

"You're absolutely beautiful, you know." The words coursed through Severus' mind, through every fiber of his being. He didn't think he was beautiful, really, but Harry thought so and in this moment that's what mattered. He held his young lover close, the afterglow of what just happened still running through his veins.

When Sev pulled him close, Harry wrapped his own body around that of his love, thin fingers tracing the scars on the older man's back. In his opinion, they only made the man more beautiful – they were a major part of who he was, and Severus, as a whole, was, in Harry's opinion, the most beautiful creature he'd ever laid eyes on. In his reverie, he traced one of the scars down Severus' back, not feeling the other man tense until he shifted away.

"Stop, please stop," Harry jerked his hand away from the trembling man.

"Severus?" Harry held out his hand tentatively to stroke Severus' cheek, and the man flinched slightly. Harry pulled back, tried again, slower, and Severus almost contained it this time, before calming slightly and allowing the contact.

"Severus, what's wrong?" he leaned in slowly and placed a chaste kiss on a pair of tense, white lips. Severus didn't flinch. "Are you alright?"

The older man shook his head in the negative, closing his eyes and hiding his face in the crook of Harry's neck. The younger man's comforting arms instinctively wrapped around Severus, protecting him from whatever fear Harry had accidentally caused. "It's okay," he assured the other man, rubbing his back in soothing circles. "I'd never hurt you, Severus, you know that. I'd never hurt you. I love you."

Severus nodded in acknowledgement.

"What did I do that scared you, love?"

The man was silent for a moment. Then, hand still shaking, he mimicked Harry's earlier movement, tracing an imaginary line down the young man's back and lower still, traced the curve where hip meets thigh and then up between his legs. Harry caught the hand gently, brought it up to his lips and kissed it, before kissing the top of Severus' head, which was still buried in Harry's neck.

"I'm sorry." He held the man tighter. "I didn't mean to scare you, Severus, I didn't even realize-"

"I know." The voice was quiet. He understood. He trusted Harry, but when the man had touched him there he could not keep his mind from wandering, and for a few horrible seconds he'd been back in the hands of his enemies, the memory as fresh as if it had never ended.

The hurt in that voice cut Harry off more than the words themselves. Its quietness threatened to break the young man's heart, but instead of letting his heart shatter, he held his love close, protecting his heart even as he was protecting the older man. It was his fault that Severus was scared and angry, but above that Harry had the need to protect him no matter how much he didn't trust himself… no matter how much Severus did not trust him.

**A/N:** The "Review" button awaits your click. Look at it: it's sitting there all lonely and desperate…


	16. A Bad Day

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** No profit for me, with the exception of the lovely reviews. They are payment enough grins

**A/N: **Still a continuation of what I stated in my author's note last chapter. Merry (Belated) Christmas and Happy New Year!

**Chapter 16: A Bad Day **

Severus was decidedly a bit more reserved than he had been before, which was saying something. He was slightly relieved since Harry hadn't seemed to panic when he'd scared the older man. However, Harry was secretly fuming, belittling himself for not being more careful. He was brutally reminded that his lover was not quite ready for a physical relationship, despite numerous protests against being treated as such.

Severus quivered in the other man's arms, slowly calming down. Suddenly, he spoke two words in a barely-there whisper, his lover almost thinking he'd imagined them.

"What are you sorry for, love?" Silence. Harry continued stroking the man's hair. "Please answer me, Sev." Silence.

He covered Severus' naked body with his own and drew up the comforter, giving his love the perfect illusion of protection. He allowed Severus to lay there trembling, Harry doing his best to comfort the man, but his attempts were near useless. He would just have to allow Severus to calm down on his own. "Would you rather I left?" But Severus frantically shook his head.

"Please don't leave me." The words were desperate.

But Harry debated it like a wounded animal having to choose between probable death and the help of a human. He did not want to abandon his love. But hadn't he already? He'd scared the man – something he swore never to do. He was ready for the man's jumpiness, his apprehension, but nothing prepared him for the fear in those beautiful eyes, and the younger man felt he had betrayed his love.

Severus shuddered when the young man pulled away, vulnerable and needing to be held and protected. To be denied that made him feel cold, alone, confused. He followed his love to the sitting room.

Harry toppled onto the couch, throwing his hands over his face and breathing heavily.

"L – Love?" The uncertainty in the man's voice thrummed through Harry, threatening for the millionth time to crush his heart in one blow.

A double betrayal. He'd promised not to hurt his love, broke it. Sev didn't want to be left; Harry left him.

A double double betrayal. Severus promised to try; was he? Severus said Harry couldn't hurt him, that he trusted him; but Harry hurt him. Therefore, did Severus really trust him?

He knew it was a lot to ask of Severus after an entire life of having no one to trust, and after such a betrayal of what came as close to trust as possible. Harry knew that despite their differences, Severus and Lucius Malfoy had once been something resembling friends. It was a lot for Harry to ask of Severus: to trust him. But he didn't ask it of Severus, not directly. But Severus offered it him. And yet the offer was not sincere. And Harry broke what of it there actually was.

"Harry- I'm sorry."

"You've nothing to be sorry for. It is I who should be sorry." Severus flinched at the harshness in the voice, thought it was not directed at him. Harry, head still in his hands, didn't notice.

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"Haven't I?"

"No. You haven't done anything wrong."

Harry scoffed. "Then why don't you trust me?"

"I do-" Harry offered a glance and Sev rephrased it "I'm trying. I am. You have to understand that there are going to be bumps in the road. I thought you understood that as well as I did."

"I – I love you. I knew – that. But when you offered me your trust, I didn't take it lightly. And yet you offered me something of which you had none. And I hurt you."

"I'm sorry." When Harry looked up there were tears in his eyes, and Harry had to restrain himself from holding the other man.

"Don't be. But I won't hurt you again. So I think it best that I go now." He stood to leave, but the older man grabbed his wrist.

"Please, don't leave me. I know – this is going to take a lot of effort, and I know it's not going to be okay right away. But I love you, and I want to try to make this work. I offered you my trust because I am able to trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my entire life. I've always been controlled one way or another – by my parents, my peers, Voldemort, Dumbledore… and you're the first person important to me who hasn't tried to control me. And now you're trying to leave and just for once I want to be able to make a decision on my own. Please help me try to fix this." A false realization dawned. "That - is if – if you still want me."

If the speech hadn't convinced him, the sheer truth, hurt, the desperation in the man's voice, the absolute fear in the last few words - would have made Harry stay. He turned fully and embraced a man that he never would have thought he could love. But he did. And he would try with everything he could to make the man safe.

**A/N:** The "Review" button, yet again, patiently awaits your click.


	17. One Step Forward

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter and Severus Snape belong to the lovely British lady. Unfortunately.

**A/N: **Ok, I'm finally back after a 10-month hiatus! On to Chapter 17:

**Chapter Seventeen: One Step Forward…**

So there went the trust-comfort-level issue again. It was a good sign that Severus hadn't wanted Harry to leave, and a good sign that he had invited the younger man back to his bed.

Severus slept well, exhausted despite Harry's insecurities about his trust. If Severus could fall asleep – so open, so vulnerable – in Harry's arms, then perhaps there was hope yet. It was Sunday; thank the Gods, once again, for weekends. Harry slept in, his bad night followed by a wretched sleep pattern. He was awoken at 10AM by Severus' rising. He must have been awake for a while. Morning person or not, Sev was usually up bright and early, too practical to let the day go to waste. Harry heard the shower cut on, wondered if Severus still needed his space. He weighed consequences for a few moments before rising and stripping, tiptoeing into the bathroom. He pulled back the shower curtain slowly, getting a good look at his love's pale, scarred back and buttocks. He got into the shower, steadying himself with a hand on the taller man's waist. Severus jumped.

"Shh," Harry whispered in his ear. "Just me. Trust me? This once?" When Severus hesitated, Harry ran a comforting hand down his side. "You can say no, love. It's okay if you're not ready for this yet. "

"Yes," Severus leaned his head back, a soft sigh escaping his lips as Harry caressed soft hands up and down his sensitive sides. The water ran smoothly, teasingly down the front of his body.

Harry, noting his lover's reaction, teased lightly over sensitive nipples, hardening them as he murmured sweet nothings in Sev's ear.

"You okay?" His need to know Severus was comfortable, trusting, and consenting reasserted itself.

"Yesss," It came out like a hiss, and Harry trailed his hands down his lover's pale abdomen to his goal at the base of it, sure to pay special attention to navel and hipbones along the way.

He grinned when his lover moaned at his touch. "Beautiful."

"Mm - not," he gasped.

"You are, and I don't think you're in much position to argue," Severus tensed as his younger lover's arousal brushed his thigh, so Harry shifted around to kiss him apologetically for the awkward moment, before kneeling to apologize in a more pleasurable way. Before too long, he could feel Severus nearing completion, keening continually in that way Harry loved. So close, then –

"Stop," it came out as a sharp, strangled cry.

Harry obeyed warily. "Uncomfortable?"

"N – no. Bed. Now. Please."

Harry smiled and shut off the tap.

The lovers tumbled onto the bed, drenched, nothing but towels separating their naked bodies as they kissed and licked and nibbled at each other, Harry returning to his previous explorations. "All right?"

"Stop asking me that."

Harry looked up, a slight but obvious pain in his eyes; "I want – I _need_ to make sure, love. Please allow me that."

Severus nodded, understanding. "I'm fine."

"Good." He leaned in and suckled on the older man's neck, drawing one of those keening sounds out of him.

Severus rolled them over so he lay on top, exploring Harry's body in the same fervor with which Harry had explored his own.

"Love you," Severus whispered as he ran his hands over his love's body.

"I love you too, Severus – Sev – look at me." When Severus looked up, there were tears in his eyes. Harry reached out to run his hands over Severus' face and through his hair. "Talk to me, love."

"Can't – believe you're mine. So beautiful. Mine."

"Yes, yours. All yours. And you're mine."

The older man smiled. "I want – "He hesitated, growing anxious.

Harry ran a light hand over his back. "Calm down, love. What do you want? I'd do anything for you."

"Want – want you to make me yours. I want to make you mine."

"Yes love. You can – you can make me yours – if you're ready. I don't think you're ready for me to make you mine. But I will when you're ready."

"Would you?"

"If you wanted me to, yes."

"I can- I can make love to you?"

"Yes, if you want me."

He smiled nervously. "I – want to, but I've never – I don't know how."

"I know," He soothed Severus' worries, "I'll help you. I'll teach you."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I wouldn't care if you did. But don't worry – you'll be fine."

"But I – I've n-"

"Shh. Relax." He kissed Severus gently, then lay back and spread his legs, coaxing Severus to lie atop him, wrapping his legs around his lover. For a few moments, he just held Severus like that, rubbing his back to soothe his anxiety.

"I'm nervous."

Harry smiled. "I know." He took Severus' head in his hands, looking seriously into his eyes. "You don't have to, if you don't want. I'm still yours, Sev – always yours. You don't have to make love to me to make me yours."

"I want to, though."

"Then calm down and let me teach you."

Severus nodded, and Harry took his hand.

Harry guided the older man for what seemed like a millennia to both of them. He instructed Severus - how to tease, how to angle, how to stretch, how to give the most pleasure – until finally Harry was ready for him.

Severus hesitated again. "What if I hurt you?"

"Then I'll stop you – no harm done, yet, love – stop worrying." He met his love's gaze and held it. "Go ahead and push, love. Slowly, like I showed you."

Harry encouraged the man as he entered, only a slight discomfort to his love's slow motions.

"You're so tight," Severus seemed surprised.

Harry reached out a trembling hand and stroked Sev's cheek. "You'll be even tighter, love." Severus shivered at the thought.

"Mine."

"Yes, yours. Now move, love."

And he did, slowly at first, then building speed and passion until they cried out to each other and climaxed.

**A/N:** How was that for the first chapter in ages? As always, if you'd like the uncensored version of this chapter, email me.


	18. Two Steps Forward

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter and Severus Snape belong to the lovely British lady. Unfortunately.

**A/N:**Thanks for the lovely reviews! On to Chapter 18!

**Chapter Eighteen: Two Steps Forward…**

Severus lay atop his lover, drowning in the afterglow and the feeling of just holding him, embedded in his body. _'Mine.'_ He kissed Harry's neck lazily, head buried in his love's shoulder. Harry's body wove around his own, legs curled around his and hands stroking lightly up and down his back.

"Love you," Severus' sweet whisper broke the silence, making his love smile.

"Love you too." Severus began easing out of the younger man, rolling over to lay next to him.

"I – was I - ?" Severus blushed. Harry thought it cute and grinned at him, placing a finger over his lover's lips.

"You're wonderful, love."

Severus smiled, and Harry thought it the most beautiful thing in the world. "Mine."

"Yes, Sev; I'm all yours. And you are mine."

His older lover tensed. "Not yet."

"Shh, don't think about that. I would never do anything to hurt you, I would never do that until you're ready. Your heart still belongs to me, yes?"

Sev relaxed. "Yes."

"Then no worries. We're late for lunch."

"Mmm?"

"Lunch."

"Screw lunch."

"We didn't eat breakfast! I'm hungry."

His love sighed. "Five minutes?"

Who would ever have thought Severus Snape would be the type of man that wanted to _cuddle_ after making love?

'Ok, love. But no more than five."

It was odd to see Severus in public dressed in anything other than his typical black robes. The man had complained that it would be counter-intuitive to get dressed just to go to lunch when there was no other purpose for it, so Harry suggested he leave his imposing side for the classroom. Thus, Severus donned a hunter-green button-up shirt and – holy hell – jeans. They were black, though.

"You're late," Albus said with his usual twinkle as they entered through the staff door.

"We were busy," Harry defended. It would be considered nonsense, of course. It was nearing the winter holiday and all of the classes were getting a little lazy. There were no papers to grade, and if that wasn't their excuse, well – Severus may not have been a morning person, but he was always on time. Albus twinkled.

"Severus, don't you look nice?"

Sev promptly ignored the compliment, shooting a mock-glare at his lover.

Remus watched the exchange, turning to smile at Sirius who, at least, wasn't glaring. He met Harry's eyes, his look inquisitive as he glanced from Harry to Severus.

Harry smiled. "Tell you later," he mouthed.

Sirius nodded, smiling slightly. Harry wondered if it was wise to tell him what happened to Severus. He didn't think Severus would appreciate it, but he felt Sirius, as the only father figure Harry had ever known, had a right to know why his godson had become so smitten with the reclusive man in the first place.

"You – YOU LET HIM **FUCK** YOU!?"

"No, I let him _make love_ to me. There's a difference, see?"

Sirius was shocked. "But he – I – _why?_" Remus shot him a warning glare.

"We've been over this, Siri. I love him."

Sirius sobered, placing both hands on Harry's shoulders. "I'm sorry – I'm trying, really I am, it's just – difficult to comprehend. I can't understand why you trust him."

"Sirius, I – you don't still think he's a death eater?"

"He _is._"

"Not anymore." Harry caught himself and went silent. He wanted to tell him. Would that break Sev's trust?

Sirius was genuinely confused. "What do you mean?"

"You have to promise not to say anything."

"For him? Why would I –"

"Sirius!" Remus glared over Harry's shoulder at his lover.

"For me, Siri, please."

Sirius nodded hesitantly.

"The death eaters found out he was a spy."

"Then why isn't he dead?" Sirius seemed to sulk a bit.

"They raped him."

Sirius' eyes went wide. "Raped him?"

Harry nodded. "He told me everything." Tears, long dying to get out but held in for the sake of being strong for Severus, broke free and rolled down his face. "Do you know how hard it's been to get him to trust me?"

"I have some idea." He glanced at Remus, who held the sobbing Harry to his chest, soothing him.

"I know that look," the lycanthrope whispered to Harry, "he's about to go into personal detail. You okay?"

Harry nodded. Sirius wiped the tears from his godson's face, taking his hand in his to comfort him.

"He wouldn't _let_ you top, would he?"

Harry stared, startled. He shook his head. "He's not ready."

"Do you want to?"

Harry avoided the man's gaze. "More than anything," He looked up, gauging the reaction. When he found only sadness and sympathy, he continued, "but I would be more than content if he was never ready for that. I'd still love him."

"I know…" Sirius seemed in a daze. "Can I ask you a really personal question?"

"I can't promise I'll answer it." Sirius nodded. "But you can ask."

"Was he any good?"

Harry smiled. "It was his first time."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"No, I suppose it doesn't – he… needed a lot of encouragement, a lot of coaxing, but – he initiated it. He was wonderful."

**A/N:** Click that little lonely review button. Pretty please.


	19. One Step Back

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter and Severus Snape belong to the lovely British lady. Unfortunately.

**A/N:**Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed!

**Sannah**- Thank you so much for your support, I hope you continue to enjoy the story!

**Lago**- No worries, the 10-month break was due to illness, business, and writer's block. Hopefully it won't happen again.

**Serpent91 and K Bree**- You'll see, you'll see, all in good time…

**Sindromatic**- Thank you for wasting valuable time that could have been spent sleeping on me! I appreciate it.

I can't remember the story that the first line of this chapter came from, so I'm sorry I can't credit the author but I definitely would if I did; it was an excellent Snarry. If I find it I'll edit this AN.

**Chapter Nineteen: One Step Back…**

_I was told you scream beautifully._

Severus stared blankly at the little sheet of parchment. He hadn't seen who left it. It was simply slipped in with papers to be graded. It had to have been a Slytherin – they had access to his office, and only a Slytherin would know what had happened to him – but he wasn't sure who an he didn't recognize the handwriting.

"Severus?" He started, looking up. Harry was in the doorway. "I was worried when you didn't come back to your rooms after – what's wrong?"

Severus held out the note, trembling as Harry took it from his fingers.

_I know what happened to you, traitor. You deserved worse – you should be dead, but the pervert just wanted the opportunity. No matter, however – you'll get yours – in time. I was told you scream beautifully._

Harry reached out to take his love's hand. "Oh, Sev -"

"Don't. Please, don't, just – I want to be alone right now." Harry nodded sadly. He wanted to hold the man now more than ever, but that wasn't what Severus needed right now.

"I'll be with Remus and Sirius if you want to talk, yes?" Severus nodded and Harry retreated, the misery of a step backward pulling at his heart.

He went to Sirius' and Remus,' like he promised. They were in the bedroom, so he thought it best not to disturb them. He kicked off his shoes and curled up on their couch, the note still clutched in his hand as he fell asleep.

When Remus and Sirius emerged from the bedroom, they immediately caught sight of Harry, asleep on the couch, tears streaking his face.

Remus picked up the note, for it had fallen on the floor during Harry's sleep.

"Siri," he whispered, "make some tea, love." At Sirius' questioning glance, he handed over the note.

Sirius met the werewolf's eyes grimly before rushing off to the kitchen area.

Remus ran a soothing hand through the sleeping man's hair. Harry shifted, but did not wake. Remus gently lifted his head and moved to sit, letting Harry's head rest in his lap as he stroked the young man's back.

"Severus?" Harry murmured. He was probably still asleep.

"No, Harry, it's Remus."

"Oh. Sev's upset."

Remus smiled sadly. "I know. I saw the note, love."

"Oh."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just -" he nuzzled into Remus' leg, seeking contact. Remus shifted the lighter man up so his head lay on the arm of the couch, Remus holding him protectively. "I'm just sad. It hurts to see him in so much pain."

Remus nodded understanding, kissing the top of the young man's head. "Would you like some tea?"

"Mmm. Tea would be nice," he murmured.

"Good. Padfoot's making some."

When Sirius arrived with the tea, Harry looked up, smiled sadly at his godfather, who he was sure must also have read the note. Sirius returned the smile as Remus encouraged Harry to sit up a bit, but the younger man still craved contact, so Rem continued to hold him as Sirius handed him a cup of tea.

"Want to talk about it?" Sirius asked gently.

"Not really; it makes me feel sick to even think about it."

"How's Sn- Severus?" Harry smiled slightly at the used of the man's first name.

"Upset but other than that – I'm not sure. He didn't want to talk and he didn't want to be touched. He said he wanted to be alone, so I came here to give him space, give him time to think."

"Do you think it wise to leave him alone?" Remus, ever the logical one.

"I – hope so. I told him I'd leave him alone until he wanted to come talk. I fear more so that his trust is so very fragile right now." Remus held him closer and Harry sipped his tea in silence. He was comforted by their presence but that didn't keep him from worrying about Severus.

He finished the tea, setting the cup onto the table and leaning into Remus' embrace, feeling helpless. As Harry was beginning to fall asleep again, there was a soft knock at the door. Harry started, but Remus held him back down, willing him to be calm. He glanced at Sirius who, with a sad glance at his vulnerable godson, went to answer the door.

Sirius simply nodded to the man at the door, who returned it. "Come in."

Harry looked over through Remus' embrace to the man he loved. Severus looked weary but unharmed. He sat next to the two men on the couch, and Sirius took the chair to their right. Severus reached out to Harry and Remus gently pressed the younger man into the pale man's arms.

"I'm sorry I upset you - scared you," Severus whispered as he held Harry close.

"It's not you who upset me, love, it's whoever sent the note. You've nothing to apologize for."

"I pushed you away – again." He glanced up at the other two men as he realized this was a rather personal conversation.

'_It's okay,'_ Remus mouthed.

"You needed space, love – I understand that. I'm just glad you're alright."

Severus glanced warily at Sirius at that comment, but Sirius only smiled sadly. Severus rested his head on Harry's and closed his eyes. Sirius' eyes met his when they reopened. "I know who wrote the note."

Severus tensed. "I already know. Mr. Knott is being punished."

Harry looked up. "How'd you find out who did it?"

"I have my methods," he smirked for the first time that day.

"You threatened them!" Sirius suggested, amused.

Severus shrugged half-heartedly. "Desperate times…"

"But are you alright?" Remus dared to pose the question the others were afraid to ask.

Harry tensed and Severus sighed, looking down at him. "You told them, yes?"

Harry nodded, his head still buried in Sev's chest. Severus processed that information, decided to let it go. "I don't know… I just don't know – I take two steps forward only to be pushed back a step."

"It's very trying," Harry quipped.

"That's to put it lightly, I know," Sirius understood the reclusive man for the first time.

"It hurts," _both physically and emotionally,_ everyone heard his unspoken words.

Harry, comforted by Severus' much calmer demeanor, drifted off in his arms. Severus met Remus' eyes, then Sirius,' then glanced down at Harry.

Remus nodded, standing to pull Harry's legs back onto the couch. Severus stretched out under him, allowing the young man to use his chest as a pillow.

Sirius emerged, once again, from the bedroom, this time with a blanket. He spread it over the two lovers, before he and Remus retreated to their own room.

**A/N:** Please click the little review button!


	20. A Restless Night

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Nu meu.

**A/N:**Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! Chapter Nineteen updated due to complaint of insufficient information.

**Chapter Twenty: A Restless Night**

A cry awoke Harry somewhere around 2am. Severus was back to his nightmare stage. Harry held him cautiously, Remus rushing into the main room. Harry held a finger to his lips, indicating that Severus was still asleep.

The werewolf tiptoed over to the couch. "Is he okay?"

"He's… dreaming again."

Remus looked at the pale man sadly. "Ah." He reached out to Severus, the fierce protection of his more primal side revealing itself in his eyes. Gold met green. "May I?" Harry nodded. Remus stroked Severus' face. The man started but didn't wake. Rem looked up at Harry. "No worries love; he's not comforted by me for any other reason than I know what he's going through."

Harry nodded and Remus leaned in to speak to the sleeping man.

"Severus-?" Sev made a tiny keening noise: comprehension. "Sev, just be calm. I've been there, love, I know it hurts. But you're strong; you'll push through – your lover will see to that. Just hang in there, Sev – you're safe. Above everything else, know you're safe. Severus seemed to relax significantly. He still groaned or keened now and then, struggled against an invisible someone, but the flares weren't as bad and he seemed to understand when Harry coaxed him to be calm.

"Thank you, Remus."

"I can stay here if you'd like. I understand how important he is to you; I can help."

"If you want to," Harry replied quietly. His tone betrayed it a request.

Remus turned and went into the bedroom, returning after a few minutes with a blanket and a pillow. He settled on the chair, pulling it closer to where Harry and Severus lay on the couch, Severus whimpering with every few breaths. Remus stared sympathetically.

"Rem-?" Remus looked up. "What happened to you?"

Remus hesitated. It was an obviously difficult question.

"You don't have to answer – I'm sorry –"

"No, no, I'll answer… Your godfather saved me after all, just like you saved Sev – The first lover I ever had…" he cut off. "I'm sorry. It's difficult to-" He stopped when Harry nodded, understanding.

"We were going to make love for the first time, I – hadn't told him yet, that I was a…" He looked away. "I should have been smarter. I should have found out how he'd react before thinking he would –"

Harry took the man's trembling hand. "It's okay, just – talk to me, please?"

"He saw my scars and he – freaked out, he – demanded to know what I was, and when I told him, he accused me of lying to him for the entire time we'd known each other. He was so angry, I -" he cut off, shaking badly. Harry squeezed his hand.

"He raped you?"

Remus nodded. "He said I was vile, that I didn't deserve to be treated as human, as – as a – virgin; that I didn't deserve to be made love to. He said I was an animal, and I was being treated as such. He was so violent."

"Remus, I'm so sorry."

Remus smiled sadly. "Sirius proved him wrong, he – he saved me that night. Siri treats me like I'm the most beautiful thing to have ever graced the earth, and – I don't deserve it, but he makes me feel so – human."

Harry smiled softly. "You _are_ human."

Golden eyes sparkled. "You're great for Severus, Harry. You can help him – you're helping just by being there for him."


	21. The Healing Process

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Nu meu.

**A/N:**Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! Sorry for the two-month gap this time, but I don't go back to school from winter break until 28 Jan, so I should have this complete before then!

**Chapter Twenty-One: The Healing Process**

"Have you spoken to Albus yet?"

They were back in their own sitting room, the silence during lunch finally wearing on Harry's patience.

Of course I have; how do you think Knott's been punished?" Severus replied, his tone practical, as though he hadn't the slightest idea what Harry was talking about.

"You know that's not what I meant. Have you been to _talk_ to him?" There were more connotations in that one word than there were wines in Italy.

Severus sighed. "I haven't. I know I should; it would probably help, but I haven't spoken to him since that first night."

"I could go with you, if you'd want."

"I don't _need -_"

"Shh; I didn't mean it like that – I know you don't _need_ me there – I mean I'm here for you – have been here for you. I just want to help."

Severus sighed – he seemed to be doing that a lot lately – again. Harry made a promise to himself to make his love happier. Said love interrupted those thoughts.

"When did you want to go?"

"Today after classes."

He hadn't expected Harry to pick a time so close, but who was he to argue?

"Consider it done."

That night brought an apprehensive Severus and a confident Harry to Albus' office.

"Severus! Harry! Do come in!" Severus and Harry sat side by side in front of Albus. Tea and biscuits – why not? But no lemon drops, the vile things; at several insistences.

"I take it this is not simply a social visit." He took the decline of lemon drops very seriously. Or perhaps it was the tone in Severus' voice, the open dread in his face. "What can I do for you, my boys?"

Severus made to speak, but couldn't find words. He looked at his love for help. Harry took his hand.

"We wanted to talk to you about what happened."

"Could you be more specific, Harry?" Albus asked curiously.

Severus, in his nervousness, grew easily impatient with the kind man. "You know very well what he's talking about! _Me_- what happened to me," his voice took on a softer note. "and dealing with it."

Albus' expression turned grim. "And what, specifically, _did_ happen to you, Severus? I've some idea, but you never told me."

Severus began trembling. It was obvious that he didn't want to tell the story again. Harry squeezed his hand comfortingly, and his eyes met Severus' black ones. There was panic there, like he wanted so badly to flee. "It's okay. _I'm here for you._"He mouthed the last part.

Severus retold the story, in more detail than Harry had heard it originally, though he'd pieced other parts of it in as Severus developed trust for him. He recounted how they all got a turn, some of them two, how Lucius had fucked his mouth, but wouldn't allow it to anyone else because he'd wanted to hear Severus scream, how Lucius humiliated him and made him come like he'd enjoyed it, how they beat him as they raped him, how they growled pleasures and insults in his ears so he knew who'd done what, though he wanted so badly not to know. How he'd cried openly and prayed for death as he blacked out from the pain.

By the time he finished, there were tears streaked down his face, and he was clutching Harry's hand as though the world would disappear if he ever let go.

Well, if Albus wanted specifics, he got them. He knew, of course, that Severus had been raped and beaten, but he hadn't known the extent of it, nor had he cared to imagine, and it was one of those cases where he had to leave Severus his space, and he wouldn't pry until Severus came to him to talk. And Severus had finally come.

Severus – I'm not sure where to begin -" Albus was at a loss. "Why didn't you come and talk to me sooner?"

Sev hadn't been expecting that question. Albus was asking, underhandedly, how Severus felt about what happened to him. It was a question he knew the answer to, but it was hard to respond.

"I was too – ashamed – too proud, to admit it to you – you have tried so hard to ensure that no harm came to me. I didn't want you to know you'd failed.

"I'd already known that much, of which I'm sure you are aware. Poppy must inform me of her findings when people end up in the hospital wing at this school, Severus."

Severus bowed his head. "I didn't want you to know the extent of it – to know how weak I was."

"Severus, you are anything but weak. You've been trying so hard to get through this, and despite your horrible experience, you've found love." He looked at Harry and smiled. "I know you're still struggling, but at the same time, you're happier than I've ever seen you."

They seemed to have broken through a barrier. The men talked for hours, Albus acting as a counselor for the unsure Severus, giving advice on how to cope, and giving Harry advice on knowing when to give him space, and when not to. He reassured Severus of many things Harry had already told him – that the rape was not his fault, that his reaction was not his fault, that he was still strong, for standing up to Lucius, for not giving in – that it was okay that he'd screamed, cried, blacked out – how he had been so near death, and though he had hoped to die, he had pulled through, and with Harry at his side, he was facing it and slowly moving on.

**A/N:** This was, of yet, one of the hardest chapters to write. I hope you've enjoyed. Please review.


	22. Secrets

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Nu meu.

**A/N:**Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! I'm on a roll – I'm at my real home (aka my love's home) typing up all of this hand-written stuff because he's at work.

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Secrets**

It took Severus a long while to be completely comfortable with Harry again after the incident with the note. Harry did what he could to soothe Severus' worries. They began to spend Sev's restless nights lying awake, holding each other and talking.

One night right before the Christmas holiday, Severus lay awake. "Harry, love?"

"Mmm?"

"Can I tell you something?"

This seemed to wake Harry up, at least in his mind. "You can tell me anything, Sev."

"It's something that's been bothering me for quite a while – I've been debating whether to tell you."

"To tell me what, love?" Harry was concerned now – Severus didn't usually waste time stalling – he got to the point.

"To tell you about when I became a death eater."

Harry looked up into his love's obsidian eyes. He was curious, but if Sev was this apprehensive, maybe he didn't want to know.

"I was 16 and I was possibly the best potions apprentice in Britain. I was dating – Lucius Malfoy." Harry seemed confused at the mention of that name.

"Lucius was forced to marry to produce an heir. Nothing more. Lucius recommended me to the Dark Lord – took me to an initiation ceremony and introduced me. The Dark Lord questioned me for ages about potions and poisons, and asked me if I wished to join his ranks, though I don't think it was much of a question – he'd have killed me if I said no and initiated me if I said yes. On top of that, I was power-hungry and flattered. I was initiated that night."

Part of Severus' longing for power, Harry knew, came from his being tortured for so long by James and Sirius, and Harry seemed sad.

"The next morning, I went to see Albus. I was ashamed of myself, and I confessed to him what I'd done. I showed him the mark, burned in and bright red. I thought he would kill me – he was so angry. But I underestimated Albus' ability to forgive. He accepted my plea to work as a spy for the order.

"Severus, I'm so sorry." He reached out and took the older man's hand in his, kissed the mark on his left forearm.

Severus smiled. "Don't be. It was my choice."

Harry nodded. Severus hated pity and Harry understood.


	23. Christmas Eve

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Nu meu.

**A/N:**Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! I've got three more hand-written pages (front and back) worth of story for Chapters 23 and 24. 25 will be up before 28 Jan. I haven't even started writing it yet, but trust me, if you like this story so far, it'll be good. And long.

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Christmas Eve**

Severus slept well for much of the beginning of the holiday, but Christmas Eve, he couldn't sleep again, and Harry held a silent Severus until he finally fell asleep.

Christmas morning, Severus woke up screaming again, and before he even fully registered where he was and what he was doing there, he was begging a worried Harry to leave, to give him space.

Harry, sad and confused, went to Sirius and Remus. He curled up on the bed next to the sleeping couple, smiling sadly at their intimate embrace.

Sirius wasn't asleep; he turned in his lover's arms to look at his godson. He stroked away the tears that still clung to Harry's face.

"Severus having a bad night?" He whispered.

Harry nodded, screwing up his face to keep from crying again, and Sirius held him as he began sobbing, trying to be quiet so he wouldn't wake Remus.

He cried himself to sleep in Sirius' protective embrace. When they awoke later in the morning, Harry was still rather depressed.

Sirius turned to his love. "Shower. Watch him?" Remus nodded. As Sirius left their bed, Remus glanced at Harry. Awake. Remus took the young man's hand. Harry continued to stare, face blank, at the ceiling.

"Knut for your thoughts, love."

Harry looked confused for a moment. "Mmm? – Oh." He hesitated. "It's nothing."

"It's obviously _something_, Harry."

A single tear made its way down Harry's face, and Remus reached out to catch it. "Please talk to me – I've been through this; maybe I can help you."

"It's not fair, Remus, it's not fair!" He turned to face the werewolf, his face angry and scared.

"I know it isn't," Remus sighed. "He'll be okay- it's exactly like he said, though – a few steps forward, one step back – and that'll probably keep happening until he's finally okay, but he _will_ be okay if you keep helping him."

"I know, I just – I feel so hopeless when he pushes me away! I want to help him, but I can't."

"It may not feel like you're helping, love, but when he wants to be alone, you're helping him by respecting that. If he feels pushed, he'll only take another step back and hide. You may never get him back if that happens. I know his progress is slow, but he is making progress. Keep respecting him when he regresses, and he'll cope more quickly."

Harry nodded, giving in to Remus' embrace. "I know you're right – I know it – but it's so hard – it hurts, Remus, it really _hurts_ me to see him like this."

"I know that pain well, Harry. I can guarantee to it hurts him to have to do this to you. But it's something that needs to be done sometimes. He still loves you, and he knows you love him; that hasn't changed. Everything will turn out alright, you'll see."

"I hope you're right, I really do, but the circumstances here are different and I just wonder if he'll ever get -"

"He'll get better. He already is; you can't tell me you haven't seen that. Everyone has."

Harry smiled for the first time in what felt like ages. He sighed and drifted off again as Sirius came out of the bathroom. He bounded over to the bed and landed on Harry and Remus. He was obviously trying to cheer Harry up with his excitement, and Harry had to admit he was succeeding somewhat.

"Get _up_, you lazy bums, Christmas breakfast!"


	24. A Worrisome Christmas

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Harry et Severus n'appartennent pas à moi.

**A/N:**Thanks so much for all the reviews. Chapter 25 (Epilogue) to come before 28 Jan, hopefully.

A special thank you to **marble121** – I very much appreciate your feedback. This was very difficult for me to write but I find that it does help. I know the feeling of not thinking you could read something like this without crying - I actually nearly failed a literature class two years ago for refusing to read one of the books (Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye, which is actually a very good book) because it was too painful. Thank you very much for your review; I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

**Chapter Twenty-Four: A Worrisome Christmas**

Severus wasn't at breakfast. Only five students had stayed behind for the break – four Gryffindors and the Slytherin Knott, who'd sent Severus the note. He was to serve detentions over the course of the holiday, as well as for the rest of the year.

Harry was worried about Severus, and it showed. Albus, Sirius, and Remus made attempts to comfort and cheer him up, but their efforts, while not wasted, were mostly unsuccessful.

Harry, Remus, and Sirius walked the castle grounds after breakfast, speaking about everything and anything but Severus – Quidditch, the House Cup, new students, students in general, classes and how they were going, and who seemed the most promising for OWLs and NEWTs. Anything to take Harry's mind off of Severus – it worked for a while – he stopped sulking for a bit and talked optimistically about the topics.

But across the white, frozen-over lake, there was a dark figure against the snow. Crouched and staring into the depths of the water was Severus. He looked up when he felt Harry's eyes upon him. His expression was sad, but he looked away. Harry saddened and the two older men understood his turmoil, but nothing they did would console him. Harry wanted to comfort Severus, but the man wasn't ready to talk yet, and Harry had to respect that.

Severus didn't follow when the other three men went inside for lunch. He continued to sit and stare into the ice, uninterrupted by his surroundings.

Harry wondered for a moment if Severus was simply avoiding Knott, but that seemed too childish a thing for Severus, and he didn't seem to have been bothered over the previous days of the vacation.

As they entered the Great Hall, where one large table had replaced the usual five tables, Albus beckoned Harry to sit next to him instead of across from Severus' usual place. Remus and Sirius sat on his other side, next to Minerva.

"Harry, my boy, are you alright?"

"I could be better, but I'm okay. Remus and Sirius have been keeping me company."

"How's Severus?"

"I – am not sure. He's not up to talking right now."

"I see – well, he'll come around. It _is_ Christmas, after all."

"I hope so." He picked at his plate for most of the meal, despite Albus' reassurances and advice that worrying and not eating would only make him feel worse.

He half-heartedly listened to the conversations, never joining in, even when asked for his opinion.

After lunch, Harry, Sirius, and Remus returned to Sirius' and Remus' rooms. They invited Harry to play a few games, and he accepted to keep them from worrying further. He couldn't keep his mind off of Severus, and they kept having to remind him when it was his turn. Eventually the two gave in to Harry's need to let his mind wander to Severus, to let himself worry. When his need for contact arose again, Sirius held him and comforted him.

Severus never came to their rooms like he had after the note incident, but Remus confirmed, looking out over the grounds, that Severus no longer sat by the lake, his body and gaze as frozen as its surface. He was nowhere to be seen.

When they went to the Great Hall again for dinner, Severus was seated in his usual place. He looked a bit drained, paler than usual, if that was possible, but quite unharmed. He smiled at Harry as he entered the hall – it was small, but sincere, and Harry returned it, relieved that his love was alright.

There were Christmas crackers and the like spread over the table, but Harry ignored them as he sat, face radiating happiness as Severus took his hand comfortingly. It was the first time he'd done so in public. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Dumbledore twinkle as he glanced at them, and everyone at the table seemed to be in good spirits. Neither Knott nor Filch were at the table, and Harry smiled wickedly as he realized the 6th year was serving detention. Harry leaned across the table so the quartet of Gryffindors next to him wouldn't hear. "How are you, love?"

Sev smiled slightly. "I'll be fine. I'm sorry I worried you."

Harry reached out to place his other hand over theirs. "Never apologize for needing time alone. I understand."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I have a present for you."

Harry, taken aback, considered this for a moment. "But I haven't gotten gifts for any-"

Severus smiled. "I know. You haven't had the time. You've been too busy taking care of me, and that has been enough of a gift – more so than I deserve, even." He reached into his inside pocket and pulled out a small, leather-bound book. It was rather thick and looked very old. He held it out to Harry, who opened it to the first page. On the inside cover was a message, written in Severus' pointy lettering.

_Harry,_

_I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for me. I love you so much and I don't know what I would have done without you at my side. This is my diary. I've been keeping it since I was old enough to write real words. I want you to have it and keep it safe like you have done my heart. I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone, including myself. I trust you with my deepest, darkest secrets. They are yours._

_ S.S._

"Oh Severus, I – thank you so much."

"It is I who should thank you. You helped me, through what has been the worst time of my life, and you've made it, despite our difficulties, the best time of my life. You've put up with my problems for seven months now – I felt it was time you deserved my complete trust."


	25. Epilogue: Complete Trust

**Blood, Sweat, and Tears**

**Pairings:** HP/SS, SB/RL

**Rated:** NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)

**Category:** Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)

**Summary:** Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.

**Disclaimer:** Harry et Severus n'appartennent pas à moi.

**A/N: ** This is the last chapter – both lovely and unfortunate. I've enjoyed writing this over the past… two years. Longer than that, even – I'd been working on it for about a year before I put it on FFnet. Thanks very much to my loyal reviewers, for all the support, all the praise, everything. Thanks to you all, I haven't scrapped this and said to hell with it, and now it's actually done. Thank you, I couldn't have done this without you all.

**A/N #2:** Misspellings/grammatical errors in young Severus' entries are intentional. Also intentional that considering his age, the errors aren't that bad. Although that's partly because I peg Snape as the "grammar freak" type from the get-go and partly because if I really went to town, you wouldn't be able to read it, and it would annoy my need to be grammatically correct.

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Epilogue: Complete Trust**

It was written in a pointy, if somewhat sloppy, hand. There were small wrinkled bits on the page, indicating a young Severus had been crying as he wrote the entry.

_9 January, 1965_

_Dear Diary,_

_It was my fith birthday today. Happy birthday to me I guess, Mum's sad and father is angry again. I want mum to be happy. She's never happy any more. She sung "Happy Birthday" to me when she tucked me in. But she was sad. I think she was crying when she left my room. Why won't she be happy? Did I do sum thing wrong? I didn't mean to make her sad. May be its not me really. I think father makes her sad. I saw him hit her today. Mum said hitting peeple is bad – peeple shouldn't do it be cause it hurts. Why does father want to hurt mum? Does that make him bad? Why is father bad? I thought fathers were sposed to care?_

_Severus_

Many of the early entries were much the same, and as Harry read them, he pitied the child behind the sad words – the one whose mum tried so hard to hide her tears from him. The one who tried so hard to stay strong. The one who feared his father – yet who questioned his father's evil, even before he really understood what was happening. The one who wrote in that pointed scrawl, just as the man he became still did. It was a connection that made Harry understand Severus even more, love him that much more for being so strong, so knowing, and yet so naïve all at the same time.

_31 August, 1971_

_Dear Diary,_

_I get to go to Hogwarts tomorrow! I want to go now. Father's been getting angrier. I don't know why. He scares me alot. I feel bad for having to leave mum here alone with him though. He usually takes out his anger on her. It hurts that I can't protect her, but I want to get away from him so bad. If only I could take her with me. If only I could convince her to make father go away. She says she loves him. I don't understand why. Anyway – Hogwarts tomorrow – I can't wait._

_Severus_

Harry remembered the elation he felt at realizing he was leaving the Dursleys' to go to Hogwarts and sympathized with the young Severus who wrote this entry. He felt sad for him – happy, but guilty over something he couldn't control.

Many of the following entries, for another six years, were accounts of James' and Sirius' torture of the lonely Severus. For a few moments, Harry actually felt contempt for them. But they were kids. It was no different than how he and Malfoy had acted towards each other. But Severus… Severus had never really been loved by anyone by his mother – had made friends with Lily but was forced to abandon that friendship for the sake of survival. Slytherins were unforgiving, to say the least.

_07 November, 1976_

_Dear Diary,_

_Lupin's a fucking werewolf! I knew something was odd about him, I knew something was… wrong… with him. Gods. Thanks to Bane of my Existence Black and his pet werewolf, I owe a life debt to James Fucking Potter and I can't accuse Black of attempted murder. "You have to keep this quiet, my boy," Dumbledore told me. Quiet, ha! I've been quiet for 6 years… but no. I respect Dumbledore too much to do that. If not for him, the wolf wouldn't matter. He probably wouldn't even be here. And Black and Potter would have been expelled by now. _

_But so would I._

_Severus _

Ouch. A lot of crap about people he loved in that one paragraph. The part that hurt most was that it was all true. And Severus took the hits for seven years. The next few entries expressed more of his anger about what had happened that night. In a very profane manner. A few entries later, there was a shakily scrawled entry, written in haste in what Harry had to assume had been shock.

_23/12/1976_

_Diary,_

_What have I done?_

_Severus_

Harry assumed this was when Severus had received his Dark Mark. The night he'd been initiated. Those four words showed more fear than the several lines in the entry from his fifth birthday.

_11 January, 1977_

_Dear Diary,_

_I've confessed what I've done to Dumbledore. He only reasserts his mercy, his… understanding. I'm not expelled. Hell, I'm not dead. I fear for what the future holds – it's always been my strong suit to hide what I feel from people, but a spy? This will be the death of me. But I'll die with a clean conscience._

_Severus_

It shocked Harry to see that Severus had been resigned to death so early in life. It hurt him, even though he knew Severus had lived. Yet, despite the knowledge that he would probably die young, Severus never lived. He never lived for himself – never devoted time to himself, never made real friends, never dated, never made love, never even fucked someone just for the physical pleasure. He never actually let himself go. And Harry realized: he opened up to Harry so easily, but he had never opened to anyone else before, never let them see through to the true Severus. Sure, Dumbledore knew Severus better than Severus knew himself, but that wasn't the same. Dumbledore was the loving father Severus never had. Harry was Severus' only lover – the only one he trusted completely.

_25 August 1978_

_Dear Diary,_

_I got an O in Potions, an O in Defense, an O in Herbology, an A in Arithmancy, an O in Astronomy, an O in Charms, an A in Transfiguration. Potions Master Dierkes is retiring, and Dumbledore's requested me personally to replace him. Me! I was an apprentice, but I don't match up to Dierkes! But how can I possibly turn down that opportunity? I don't think I can._

_S.S._

Harry smiled, knowing full well Severus got that position. The next couple of entries expressed his apprehension, his excitement, his expectations. And August 29th's entry found him at Hogwarts, elated to have been granted the position, and to be back, in his own quarters – alone, like he'd wished to be his entire young life.

The next two years brought entries about his efforts as a spy, his teaching job, the incapable students. He never once mentioned apology or regret for his power hunger. But then, Severus never was one to apologize. He accepted his fate and did what he could to make sure none of his Slytherins fell into the same path.

The last months leading up to entries about Harry's parents' deaths, about Sirius Black's imprisonment, Lupin's withdrawal, Pettigrew's death, covered the actions of Dumbledore and Voldemort – how Voldemort was gaining more and more power, and the Ministry finally began to believe his rising was important. Dumbledore knew for years and had built the Order of the Phoenix. The two sides fought in the open now – battles no longer needing to be kept away from the ministry's watch.

It saddened Harry how quick Severus had been in agreeing that Sirius must have betrayed his friends. If Severus knew anything about the annoying pair, it was that one would never have done something to bring harm to the other.

Harry glanced at the first date after _5 November, 1980. _For the next three years, Severus was silent. Harry supposed at first, the trials were taking place. That meant Severus was in Azkaban, the diary either here at Hogwarts, or confiscated for evidence. Well, perhaps not. Had it been confiscated, the ministry would have released him on grounds they'd have known he was a spy. He can't have spent three years in Azkaban before Dumbledore vouched for him?

_01 September, 1983_

_Diary, _

_I've been… on holiday. I spent… I was told it was a year, in Azkaban. Wretched place. Albus suggested I spend time off, go do whatever it is I actually wanted to do. I spent much of the past three years back in Blackpool. Last month, however, I went back to Spinner's End. I was told mum died almost three years ago. I suppose no one was told when I was in Azkaban. Pity. I would very much have wanted to attend her funeral. Father… I don't know. I assume he still lives, but I did not see him. _

_No matter; I'd rather not._

_I've returned to Hogwarts. I'm to resume my teaching position, which should be lovely after these years. I've never been one for traveling much. I'm home. That's what matters right now._

_Severus_

Severus and Harry had a major thing in common. Hogwarts was home. Severus had had such a sad life. His own didn't even compare to Severus's. He had never known his parents; while he was unhappy to spend his young life with the Dursleys, while he had his rivalry with Draco – he'd had friends, he'd had a real life. Severus had never had anything close.

All the same, he didn't pity Severus. He couldn't, because Severus would be ashamed if Harry did. He couldn't, because Severus had so readily accepted his fate. He couldn't, because somehow Severus had found a way to make it all manageable, and Harry had to respect that.

Many of the entries up until 1995 were about work. Severus was reclusive, alone, mostly silent. But he was content. Several of the entries from 1991 on revolved around Harry and his friends, and what an annoyance they were. Harry couldn't help but laugh when he read Severus' words about the incessant brats the trio had been. Harry almost prided himself in it, a childish impulse. Severus wrote about how Black had returned, about how, though he hated to admit it, he knew Sirius was innocent.

_04 June, 1995_

_Diary,_

_He's back. Tonight, the mark burned. He summoned us. I fear the war will begin again soon. I must continue where I left off: I owe it to Albus and the Order._

_S.S._

Short and to the point. It was how Severus often was while impatient, or worried. He was so selfless about it – he didn't even take a moment to think how it would once again interfere with and ruin his life. He accepted it and continued as he had so many years ago.

He continued for years about the war – about his duties, the Order, the Dark Lord. It was amazing that someone with such a large barrier around his life would keep such detailed accounts on it. Harry supposed it had occurred to him that someone could find the diary. No doubt he kept it as hidden as his heart.

Harry was surprised when, during his seventh year, Severus commented on his growing respect for him and his friends. Severus respected him even when he thought Harry hated him. Harry smiled down at his love, whose head lay in his lap, eyes closed, expression tranquil.

"You're just full of surprises, aren't you?" He whispered as he continued reading.

_14 May, 1998_

_Dear Diary,_

_The war is over. Voldemort is dead. For good. But the fight isn't completely over. There are still Death Eaters left, and the Ministry, though once there was real danger, accepted that there was a war on, is too blind to notice them. Thus my duties are not over. I shall continue to spy, to keep Albus informed._

_Severus_

The entries for the next few years, Severus continued to do just that. He also still talked about other business – classes, students, new potions discoveries, among other things. Severus was odd in that way. He never missed a small detail, even in a place where things like that didn't matter at all. He'd found it notable when Harry started teaching at Hogwarts two years after the end of the war. He had felt Harry and his… family, were invading his home, as the Marauders had done while he was a student.

Harry, over the last four years, kept his playful nature, but he never attempted to bring harm to Severus. He held a high respect for him. They hadn't been friends by a long shot, but they had a mutual respect for each other after the war. Harry was a bit offended that Severus felt he was an invasion. Admittedly, he understood it.

Harry came to another tear-stained entry.

_01 July, 2004_

_Diary,_

_I – no. I've written everything here. Everything for the past 40 years. I can't discuss this._

_S.S._

The rest of the entry was a bit neater – Severus had been calmer when he wrote it. Harry suspected the first part of the entry was before he had talked to Harry, the second part from later in the morning, after Sev had finally slept.

_Why'd they do this to me? Normally, they would have just killed a spy. I don't understand. I don't know that I want to. I feel violated, unclean, sick. There is a deep cold at the center of my very being and I feel it will never melt. I feel as though I will never be warm again._

_Severus_

Harry remembered the pain in Severus' voice that night and the next morning. The diary entry reflected it, but he could also remember the shock and anger in his voice as he divulged to Harry what he'd never entrusted anyone with, as he told him why the blow hit him as hard as it did.

_03 July, 2004_

_Diary,_

_I want to heal. I'm nowhere near close; I won't be for a long time, but Harry has given me hope that it is possible. _

_I nearly killed myself today. I wanted to so badly; I just wanted this to end. I wanted it all to go away. And then I realized how selfish that was. Harry's trying so hard to help me; I can't put that to waste. And if I could… I don't think I'm quite ready to die yet._

_S.S._

Harry had made Severus change his viewpoint on death? It was no longer something he welcomed, something to look forward to. He was selfless as ever, when if anyone deserved a little selfishness… but Harry had given Severus a reason to live, and that mattered more than anything else.

_08 September, 2004_

_Diary,_

_It's time I confronted this. I said, months ago, that I wanted to heal. Harry is helping me heal and I want him to continue. I think it's time I confronted my feelings for him. I am falling, deeply, in love with Harry. I do not know if he will reciprocate but it is something I cannot hold back. I fear telling him, for he may completely push me away, he may tell me I've misconstrued his friendship for something more. But I'd understand if he did. It would hurt me, but I would much rather have a friend who doesn't care that I care than one who has no idea. There is the slightest chance he will feel the same for me, and it is a chance I'm willing to take._

_Severus_

_17 September, 2004_

_Diary,_

_He loves me. I love him, too. This is an odd place for me. I've never been in a relationship. I've been through a lot in the past couple months. I've only just gotten to know the real Harry. Somehow it all feels right. I have a feeling it will fall into place. I hope so._

_Come to think of it, I never really had hope before._

_Severus_

'Wow.' It was the first thought that came to Harry's mind. Severus had contemplated for such a long time, and yet after the first night they'd spent together, he'd been so sure. How can someone who's never been sure about anything do that in one night?

_29 September, 2004_

_Diary,_

_I keep having… aroused… feelings around Harry. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I love him, I'm very attracted to him – in more ways than one. But I'm afraid. I don't want to rush into anything; I don't want to give him the wrong idea. I can't just let it go but I also can't let it take over me. I don't want this. Not yet. _

_Don't get me wrong, I want Harry. Badly. I don't want a physical relationship yet. He respects that. Why won't my body?_

_S.S._

Harry remembered one of those nights. Poor Sev and his conflicted feelings. Harry found it frustrating that Severus thought it possible to control those reactions. In the end, he'd finally accepted that it wasn't his fault when his body reacted.

_06 October, 2004_

_Diary, he hurt me._

_HE wouldn't hurt me, per se. I can't stop dreaming it. It's them and it turns into him and I'm suddenly more aware, more frightened, more confused, more betrayed. It hurts. I can't even look him in the eye because it would betray my escaping trust. It's not fair that I should judge him based on something he didn't actually do. But I can't tell him. I can imagine the hurt in his eyes._

_Severus_

_09 November, 2004_

_Diary,_

_It's okay. It's been a good morning. I dreamed … at first I thought it was a nightmare, but then as Harry started talking to me, I realized he wasn't raping me, wasn't taking advantage of me. He was making love to me. I'm not ready for that yet. But dreaming about it isn't so bad. I quite enjoyed it in fact, if I may say so. He doesn't scare me. He loves me too much._

_Severus_

Harry remembered that morning. It hurt to know Severus had been dreaming about Harry hurting him, but it made sense within the recovery process. He was happy that Sev's mind had found a way around the fear when he ended up in Harry's arms in the dream. Severus knew that Harry would never hurt him. Harry knew firsthand that trust was a fact easily forgotten within dreams.

_12 November, 2004_

_Diary,_

_Showers for two are fun. Harry helped me test my boundaries a bit today. I must admit, while I'd like to do more, I know I'm not ready. But I had fun with what I could accept for today. And that's a start, no?_

_S.S._

Harry chuckled silently, agreeing on Severus's opinion about showers for two.

_13 November, 2004_

_Diary,_

_He scared me. He didn't mean to, I know. I'm very sensitive about my scars, especially the ones… there. I didn't mean to get so offended, to lash out at him. I'm sure I caused enough damage in trust, too. He said I don't trust him. I do. I can't trust him fully yet; I've never trusted anyone fully. I'm getting there; I can't help it. I'm sorry, I can't break down walls that easy: they've been up forever. I stood up for myself. I told him to hang in here with me – I need his help, I don't know what I'd do without it. He's agreed but I fear I've messed things up._

_Severus_

Harry sighed, remembering that night. He had been so selfish. He knew Severus couldn't trust; it was lucky for him he got any trust at all, but to demand it completely… he was glad that Severus wanted to make things work. Harry would have regretted it later. He wanted Severus to feel safe, and he wanted to be the one that provided that feeling.

_14 November, 2004_

_Diary,_

_He's proven, once again, that showers can be amazingly more fun than they were designed for._

_He let me make love to him. Make love to. Him. Mine. I love him so much. I feel like I've loved him for so much longer than I know it's been. He trusted me. I want to trust him completely. I'm not ready for that. I can't trust him with that yet. I am sorry._

_Severus_

Severus had never felt pressured, he enjoyed what they had together, whenever they were intimate, and even when they weren't. Harry felt guilty that Severus thought he should apologize for his lack of trust. It was Harry's fault, after all. He looked down at his sleeping love again. "Don't be. I'm the one who should be sorry." He whispered as he brushed hair back from Sev's face with his fingers.

"Mmm, for what?" came a sleepy voice.

"For making a big deal out of it when you were unable to trust me."

"You've been up reading all night?"

"I couldn't help it. May I finish?"

Severus sighed and nodded. "Is my life that interesting to you?"

Harry just stroked his hair back and continued reading.

He had never actually asked for more detail on this one. He felt Severus would say what he wished and leave it at that. Another double entry with tear marks on the page. Harry hadn't been allowed to comfort him for this one.

_07 December, 2004_

_Diary,_

_**I scream beautifully?**__ I feel ashamed right now, belittled. I think I'm going to be sick. I want to know who wrote the note; I want to rip his fucking throat out._

_Veritiserum is an interesting creation._

_Knott is being punished. For the entire school year._

_It doesn't change what he did. I'm angry, I'm sick. I scared Harry away and right now I would love nothing more than to sleep in his arms. I think I will after I apologize._

_Severus _

The last line, despite the rest of the entry, made Harry smile. He had. He had come and he laid in Harry's arms and he fell asleep right then and there.

_10 December, 2004_

_Diary,_

_Harry convinced me to go see Albus tonight. I feel better, relieved. I still feel sick though. I wish it would stop playing in my head. It was six months ago and I want to take the memory out of my head. But I know I can't do that. I _could_. But the resulting damage wouldn't be worth it. Nor would the thought that I'm a coward. I'm getting the help I need. But it's so hard._

_S.S._

_17 December, 2004_

_Diary,_

_I told one of my best kept secrets. The one only Dumbledore, you, and I know about. I told him how I got my Dark Mark. He didn't push me away, he wasn't disgusted. He loves and accepts me for everything that made me who I am, and I am grateful for that. I hope I can receive such loving trust on all of this. I plan on telling him all of this sooner or later. Now is too hard. Christmas, perhaps._

_S.S._

"It was in the past, Severus. I can't judge you for something that happened when you were sixteen." Harry spoke quietly. The other man listened silently, hanging on to every word of every comment Harry made.

_24 December, 2004_

_Diary,_

_I'm afraid. I don't want to reveal all of this. Much of it is… pitiful, embarrassing. I hate pity. He's never shown me pity before; he knows I hate it, he knows I don't want it. So he doesn't express it toward me. I am afraid of how he may react to much of this. I can't sleep. I keep dreaming about so many things. Father, Voldemort, the Dark Mark, my Initiation, the rape. They're all things he does or should know about. But I can't stop dreaming. It hurts._

_S.S._

Harry wanted to cry. To know that Severus had gone through the panic attack on Christmas morning because of him was painful. He loved Severus; he hurt when Severus was hurting, and he had felt a lot of pain on Christmas. He realized that when Severus woke up panicked he must have dreamed of Harry's reaction – an unpleasant and probably hurtful one. He wondered what Severus had been thinking about, all those hours by the lake. But the entries ended at Christmas Eve because Harry knew the story from there. Harry knew from there, Severus had decided to hand over his full trust, all of his secrets, all of his embarrassments, all of his shames.

Harry closed the diary and set it on the bedside table.

"Harry?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too. I love you even more for everything you've been through, everything that makes you you – Everything in that book." He nodded in the general direction of the diary.

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"I trust you."

Harry looked down at him and smiled.

"I want you to make love to me. I want you to make me yours."

"Are you sure?"

Severus was trembling, but when he nodded, the expression on his face was determined, loving, trusting – his emotions were entirely open for Harry to see.

And that's when Harry knew Severus trusted him enough to finally allow him this _completion._

**A/N:**Once again, uncensored versions: message or review with your email (in "my name at host dot com" format, as FFnet auto-censors email addresses in messages). If you've already messaged me, or are going to, I'm never "home" nights or weekends, so expect me to send on weekdays – I promise I'm not ignoring people (I may stop being lazy and put the copies on the laptop, but technically my brother owns the laptop, so these last few chapters are getting removed from it later to prevent embarrassment). Thanks again for the reviews; I hope you'll read my other stories in the future.


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